Regurgitating Mummies

As much as I love this country, I think I may realized one of it's many faults tonight and it makes me sad. The discovery first began while reading someone's blog about their ADHD nephew and the ensuing prose about unfit parents. Then, earlier tonight I was playing poker with some pagans I recently met. Two of them took a smoke break, leaving me with one I shall refer to as Cobb. Not his real name of course, I didn't receive permission to publish the intimates of our brief discussion, so the least I can do is not put is name on anything I say.

Cobb had mentioned earlier in the game the reasoning behind him smoking weed. He said it slows his mind down to a speed that is productive. He said "my brain just moves to fast and I can't focus". He thought this a fault of his and something that needed to be fixed. I think the fault lies in the hands of our society as a whole.

So during the smoke break, while the two of us were alone, I, being intrigued earlier, probed a little further. He told me that he started smoking in high school mainly out of boredom. He hated school because it was too slow and the only way to stay focused was to smoke weed. He explained that after a smoke he had the focus to read what he needed to. He explained that his main distraction was all the questions he had. Always questions swarming around in his head, one always leading to another. One answer always leading to yet more questions. Yet he needed to push those interests aside to make room for school work. I asked why he didn't just ask the questions. He responded that he came from "small town Texas", and all those questions would have gotten him in trouble. Never found out the specifics of the questions so I can't say one way or the other.

So then I asked what is it that you think about. He said "mainly life, and people. I love to watch people and think about why they do what they do. Sitting and watching people is my favorite. I watch people and laugh all day long." My first thought was "wow that's what I think about". We then agreed that we made ourselves laugh much more than another people ever have. I realized our brains were very similar.

So changing once again I asked "so how do you do in college? Do you think you'd do better without smoking weed now that your not at your slow high school?" He said he didn't think so, but there was no way to be sure because he hadn't really tried it. By this time I made some conclusive assumptions. The guy was pretty intelligent. Besides for making good grades he showed a great capacity to think things through in a logical sense. He also showed a capacity to take one lesson or idea and use it to learn about other things.

Then I thought about all the really smart people I knew. Smart in as many ways as I could think of. Mainly some kind mental prowess that gave them an upper hand in some area of life. Most of them did drugs and complained of things moving too slow and being bored with education. Despite all the intelligentsia that came to mind I thought "maybe they all have wrong". I think this society is moving too fast.

Cobb complained of having no time to follow his own thoughts. Even on topics brought up at school, they were always giving the surface info and then moving on. There is no time for people with the capacity to think on a greater number of levels than the average person to really explore those depths. Everything about the majority of our culture is about quick flashing attractions that don't give you enough time to think things through. What are video games and most television program but quick bursts of color, sound, and movement laced with tiny bits of information someone is hoping will entertain in order to get a buck. The idea of more has impressed itself on our society with greater weight than the idea of better. Most companies succeed on service speed or things that allow us more time in the day to do more things. Consider this, I can't say hi to most people on campus because they're plugged into an i-pod. It's not good enough just to walk somewhere. It's more productive to listen to music and walk somewhere. Cell phones are the same way. Cell phones combined with i-pods. No lie the other day I received from me deceased grandfather an TV-Radio-CD-MP3 player with a compass, thermometer, and flashlight all in one.

I think our society is moving too fast for the slow, methodical, birth of ingenuity. Before we had all these entertaining distractions America led the way in innovation. Now we're viewed as the lazy rich slobs of the world, and so we are. Regurgitating Mummies hypnotised by flashing lights are clever commercial ditties are the target market for every interest: education, entertainment, art, business.

STARBUCKS!!! Somehow I know starbucks is involved here but its to light and I've been typing too long to put in the effort.

I do a trend though. How many of our greatest artists have led depressing suicidal lives? Why do so many of our greatest minds end up in the drink or narcotics? To slow things down, to rest. I didn't get to speak at all about the Lord in this but there is definitely a lot there. There's much of my thought left out in this, but then again I'm not heavily trained in retaining my thoughts for any long length of time. If I don't regurgitate them soon enough they start to fade. OH NO!!! THEY GOT ME!!! They got me. they got...

ps-i'm not meaning to identify myself as a genius

not sure bout this one

My holidays have been pretty good so far. I had a lovely day with my mom’s side of the family in Houston on Christmas Eve. Then I went to Austin to stay with my dad’s side of the family for Christmas Day. Both were good times. I got some money and loved being around my family.

I went to church service on Christmas Eve with my dad. I hadn’t been in so long I was a little overwhelmed. Of course all of the usual red flags exploded in my head when I saw all the advertising and programming and the…all the other stuff that bugs me about church. But mostly I was thankful to be sitting next to my dad and praising the Lord. That is such a rare occasion for me, and I loved it. Also, during the song “O, Come Let Us Adore Him” the Lord showed up and just smiled at us. I think all the heavens were looking to. There was a line in the song that commanded the heavens to praise him. The heavens noticed, and I was thankful.

Now I’m back, and just working. I work with the same guy everyday, Eric. He’s a cool guy. I enjoy his company and my job so no complaints there. Today we both fell asleep behind the climbing wall desk.

I also had an old friend contact me. I very much hope to see her, but don’t know if it will happen…

Alright, I’m a little frustrated right now because I feel like the Lord isn’t doing anything. But, what should I expect? I don’t know, but I have this evil, perverted work ethic that leaves me feeling worthless in the times when I’m not doing much. I keep reminding myself that the Lord loves me even when doing nothing. I guess I still have some wrong views about the Lord’s love. Unconditional does not match the description I seem to hold of the Lord’s love.

I wish that computers had a shouting function, so that when people read what I write they’ll know when I was shouting at my own computer as I typed, like in paragraph 5.

I’ll leave with this, I had a great Christmas and hope everyone else did too.

Anthropomorphic Kong

I just saw King Kong. Let me first say, “Wow”, what a movie going experience. It’s definitely a movie worth seeing in the theatre. The visual and sound effects are top-notch first-rate stunning. The movie was also a great deal more emotionally charged than the other two. While I’ve only seen the original, I can only imagine the one from the seventies being…shall I say…not as good. Anyone may correct me if I’m wrong.

What struck me though about the movie was how much humanity Kong had in him. First of all his relationship with the woman, Ann, was very much like what mogely, from the jungle book, had with Kate. The recognition of beauty was only the shallowest trait. Kong showed grace, sense of humor, compassion, favor, love, and a great deal of cognitive reasoning.

Then I think the Lord started unfolding some stuff for me right there on the silver screen. I started thinking of all the other lovable movie characters that we love so much: Old Yeller, Seabisquit, Lassie, Milo and Otis, all of the pixar animals, the Shrek animals, and all of the lovable horses that cowboys always have. I thought of this and how much we cry when any harm should come to these animals. We also seem to excuse any harm they should do to humans throughout the movie. WHY IS THAT!!

Well stick with me.

During creation God made humans and then there was everything else. There was a distinct difference between us and them. We were made in God’s image, and He gave us dominion over all of the earth. I’ve always wondered what it means to be “made” and then to be “made in God’s image”. We obviously have something animals don’t. Some would say that animals don’t have a soul, which inadvertently leads some to believe that animals aren’t saved by Jesus. I think animals do have souls and they still aren’t saved by Jesus. I don’t think animals go to hell though.

Animals I think have souls, maybe not to the same capacity as humans albeit but souls none the less. I do not recall animals ever being breathed on by the Lord, as Man was, in the beginning. I think we may have gotten something a little extra in that breathing on stuff, specifically we got the image of God. Therein lies the difference and why Jesus does not save animals. Jesus cleansed our spirits, breathed new life into our dead spirits. Animals were never breathed on in the first place.

I think animals have a soul because I’ve seen the affects of a soul in animals I’ve known. They show the capacity for fear, love, mercy, grace, confidence, shame, some cognition, worry, depression, excitement, a will of their own, and care. All of these come from our souls I think. By soul I mean mind, heart, and will.

So Kong had a soul, but what makes him more than an animal? Well he should a sense of humor for one thing, and while animals may enjoy something that is different than having a sense of humor. Kong also showed an immediate change in behavior towards humans, by suddenly caring for the girl uncharacteristic of wild animals. He also enjoyed a sunset and showed a sense of sentimentallity.

So what makes us yearn for the well being of these cinematic animals and excuse any amount of killing? When the directors and producers of Kong, and every other Hollywood animal character, apply that extra humanity to animals I believe we get some kind of glimpse of the way we were in the garden. You start to see a mix of the soul and that extra image of God stuff without the fall of man. These characters are seen in the light of absolute innocence, almost like a child but with out the selfish conceit that we all see in every child. That part of children which is selfish and conceited is the seed of the sin that is born in us, which is absolutely nonexistent in Kong. Kong shows absolute selflessness and abandon when he starts to protect Ann. That innocence is also why we excuse all of Kong’s killings. Even when Kong was killing innocent people in New York, we were all still rooting for Kong. After all, what human isn’t guilty?

Here’s what strikes me as ironic.

Why don’t we feel this ways towards the Lord? Well the Lord kills people every day, and he promised us that He works everything for the good of those who love God right. Well Kong worked everything for the good of her who loved him, who he loved first. All of Kong’s destruction and killing was aimed at one thing, saving Ann. So is God’s towards us, so why do we sometimes question Him and scoff at the “world we live in”.

Basically we sometimes feel like we’re being thrown aside by Kong because we’re not the one He loves, or maybe He doesn’t see that we love him. Really we are just being thrown around as the Lord works for us, much like Ann was when Kong battled…everyone.

Also by cheering for the animals on screen we are rooting, in a strange sense, against ourselves. It’s always the faults of humanity that we find our beloved animal characters fighting against.

I’m not sure what else to say, I hope there are comments.

inspiration

being really bored for the holidays, i'm desperate for inspiration. so far i have found one inspiring nugget of prose, it's bout hoiday brews. I've never really experimented with holiday brews but it is the holidays and i am bored. i will assure you though that i will not mix my previous boredom antidote, self inflicted haircuts, and my new inspiration. usually there is always some sort of accompanying action to one's boredom induced reliefs though, so...i will also try to exercise deep consideration of my actions as well as holiday brew tasting. although i must say, being inspired to the brew and participating in the fruits of the brew often brews inspiration itself. let us hope for the best.

hello there world

the american church

so the past week i've run into many, many allusions to the changing church, or the the revolution of the church. I don't get it. To me the "church" as many people see it around here is strictly an american phenomina. The american church reflects our society with such a scary resemblance we may want to question the spiritual mail man who often drops things in my mail box from the many chuches i've visited. I must admit that the "wooing" has recently stopped. My "ministry" young life, not too long ago, deministered me, and the "churches" no longer receive my business.

But the "church" often pursued me the same way american eagle did when i filled out their visitor card. Express, Fox and Hound, REI, and Chase bank of america often do the same thing too. The flyers I received were basiclly advertisements for the services, musical guests, clubs, and guest speakers that were scheduled to come. The flyers were brightly colored and often had news paper style headlines. What was even scarrier was how much the youth group sections looked like MTV and VH1 commercials. The actual youth groups looked much like MTV's TRL hour with Carson Daily. The kids sit around and cheer for a colorful personality who often introduced musical guests. TRL at least gets the kids to sing along which is more than can be said than some of the youth groups i've seen.
Young LIfe meetings often looked like a MTV episode themselves: quick changing programs targeted at entertaining and keeping attention long enough to slip in some subliminal messaging (the gospel). Strange thing is that the church stole the ministries marketing strategy so now only hip youth groups kids started going to young life. Young Life has always said "hey we're not the church". The irony is that by young life screaming we're not the church, they became what church is. Many churches now don'e look like churches and they're proud of it.

Now the big craze is that we need to look even less like the "church". Maybe this is the actual body shedding some of the vintage clothes that we've dressed it in and trying to get some healthy nakedness so it can take a good look at itself. Or maybe its just a clever marketing strategy following siute behind some of the newer companies in america. To market successfully no one must know that you're marketing right?

Further evidence, I think, is the reception of the american church by the rest of the world. Many missionaries abroad, supposedly, have a hard time because those foreign pagans just don't get excited about home groups. They think it's too american. I'd say we're in trouble if what others see the "church" so much of america attends as so american that they throw it in the same pile with all the other "american crap" they don't want infesting their own cultures. I don't know maybe i'm off. It should be noted that this was written late at night and with a stream of thought styling. hope however reads is provoked.

hey buuuuuuuuddy

hey man,

just wanted to let you know that you are still greatly loved here and missed. I really hope you're still writing music, i miss your songs. really want to know how things are going, and how the heck you're managing to teach koreans english. so respond.

felix

To Justin: Wookie Abroad

Hey man just wanted to let you know that i appreciate your comment and look forward to seeing again (whenever that may be), but you didn't leave and e-mail address that I could reach you at. To give you an update David Drennon, Cameron, and one other leader got kicked out by JP for drinking at Drennon's house. I got to talk to Drennon, he's kinda pissed, but i think he is going to come to bible study on wednesday so maybe some great things are in store for him. Also, Shaun is still kinda of upset at you for just leaving, he's short a NINTH groomsman now and as you may well be able to guess he's having trouble finding a ninth, some sympathy his way may be appreciated.

Anyway, I love you man and hope you are doing well. Can't wait to hear from you again, send pictures if you can. Oh yeah and send contact information, the dorm guys wanted to be able to get ahold of you if they travel back to Korea while you are still there. . . How is teaching english going?
Peace, Love, and Blessings!!!!

Felix

The Senses

Readers will have to forgive the incomplete and sporadic nature of this post.

What is it that includes any entity into the realm of the existing, or the realm of “thing”. Certainly trees, buildings, and people are all things. We can see, feel, smell, hear, and taste them. But what of entities like love and hate, or angels and spirits. Do they exist? Some would say that they exist on different plains of reality. I don’t think so. Many would debate the existence of things that our five senses can not register. Existentialism seem to be the focus of many of these beliefs. Some would say that God being cognitively aware of all of His creation all the time would suffice to support the idea that we all exist. What of the things we can’t see. Certainly He is cognitive of things we can not sense. I think there has been a lack of attention placed on the fact that we can not see everything that exists. Or hear, touch, taste, or feel them either.

Astronomy says that the human eye can only see what reflects the light waves that are within the range of human eye site; red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet. Likewise with hearing, smelling and tasting there is a spectrum of all of these senses but we only register certain portions of the spectrum. What of touch though? Does the sense of touch work on a spectrum as well? We can feel wind but we can’t see it. We can feel heat and cold, but we can’t smell, see, hear, or taste it. Likewise we can’t feel most of the things we smell or hear. I would say that the ranges that our senses operate within are positioned differently along the continuum of existing entities as a grand part of the Lord’s design.

Imagine if all of the ranges that our senses operate on coincided with each other. What if everything we could feel we could also smell, taste, hear and see. What would the wind look like? What color would it be? Would love exist as something we could register with all five senses? What would blue or green smell and taste like? Then of course we may wonder about that elusive sixth sense that I often equate with the spiritual.

I think that when we believe and say that all will be revealed when we get to heaven is a much grander idea than people realize. Many people say they will be bathed in love once in heaven. They often only mean it as an emotional feeling that will be consistently felt. But what if love has a state of matter that we will only be able to register on all levels of out senses once we attain our heavenly bodies? Is that what is so great about our heavenly bodies. And maybe our heavenly bodies operate on a much grander scale than just five senses. Perhaps a person isn’t just something we can feel, taste, smell, hear and see, but something we can experience on much greater level. When we get to heaven we will really be able to not only bathe in love, but eat it too.

Surely all of nature was not created with the same functions of the senses. I wonder what animals can hear and see and smell that we can’t. In heaven, if all is revealed we’ll know what angels look, smell, taste, sound, and feel like. I think we may also be able to register the father’s love for us as well on a much grander scale.

Resting

I've had to rest for almost the entire summer. It's been really hard. First I had to learn what it meant to rest. I thought it meant working only fifteen hours a week and only commiting ten or so hours a week to ministry. The Lord soon corrected me. He gave me a glimpse of rest over christmas, and I really freaked out. Then in the spring He began to prepare me to rest for the summer. He removed me, forcefully, from the "ministry" I was involved in and took my job from me. As much as I've tried I have not been able to get a job since then. Every time I applied somewhere I left with this overwhelming feeling of, "Well that was pointless, He's not gonna let me work anyway."

So I've been resting. I've almost lost my mind a few times in the process. I really had no idea how against the idea of resting my body and soul were. For a while I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, and had no desire to be around my friends. My not sleeping wasn't just because i wasn't tired. My room would become too hot and stuffy even though the rest of the house felt nice. On the night that I nearly lost my sanity I became incredibly terrified of the dark too, or something else that was in the dark, I'm not sure. I became so scared that I had to leave my room and sit in the dining room for a while with the lights on. While in the dining room I became uncomfortably chilled, and my mind was so scared and going so fast I couldn't stop it. For a few minutes I thought I had lost control of my own mind. So after journalling for a while i went and laid under the covers in my bed. There I began to pray. The Lord responded to "Daddy, Abba..." Then peace came and i slept.

The whole summer though my spirit was being ministered to. A man told me once that the Lord wanted me to learn the song "In the Garden" because the Lord wanted to minister to me through the song. So in the midst of going crazy I learned the song and it ministered to me greatly. Even just through listening to the song the Spirit would bring me peace.

Even now I'm surprised how hard it is for me to rest and be silent with the Lord. I think it's just the culture, but man culture can fight.

The Shave

So, about a week ago I was by myself for about five whole days. I’ll tell you what I did.

First of all I shaved my head. . .

I found myself looking at myself in the mirror, challenging like, at around two thirty in the morning. As I stared into my own eyes I thought to myself, “You wouldn’t, you’re too chicken.” Then I said out loud and defiantly, though not too loud in fear of waking my mother in the next room, “I will to! I just don’t know if I want to, that’s all.”

You have to understand I have quite the large head, and hair that sometimes resembles thinness but is more accurately fine. To better understand think of the hairs themselves as thin and not the body of hair. So I stood there staring into my own beautiful brown eyes with a grimace, intermittently shifting my gaze between my shaggy hairline and the sideburn trimmer that lie still next to the sink like a stalking cat ready to pounce. “Don’t take your eyes off that guy,” I thought, “he could attack at any moment. I then laughed at myself and said, out loud again, “You’re not going to actually do it, just go to bed”.

Then as I turned away, just a breath away from turning out he light, I caught a glimpse of something in the mirror. “Was that Mr. Challenge laughing at me?” It was, and standing next to him was his naughty mistress Ms Sense of Adventure. Then from behind the toilet my pride made his entrance. Upon his unimpressive entrance Ms Sense of Adventure turned to him and with a smirk muttered, “I thought he was taller than that." They both erupted into laughter that echoed across the now over populated bathroom.

Feeling ashamed I jumped back in front of the mirror and gave a long hard look at myself. Thoughts flooded my head, “How can I respect myself if I can’t even shave my own head? I mean what do I care? So I may look incredibly funny, but people will still like me, right?” Then out of the recesses of my mind, a phantom childhood memory emerged in my cognitive kitchen and served up a previously un-thought of memory. My mother’s grad school friends used to refer to me as baseball head when I was little. My head has been the same size since I was born. "Was it still to big for my body?"

The snooty couple behind me let fly and evil guffaw of triumph, “Muwahahahaha!!!!” Mr. Pride took a deflated seat on the John. I stared deeper into my beautiful brown eyes…

“I’ll do it!! That’s right assholes I’ll do it!! I’m not afraid to look like an idiot!!!” Mr. Pride stood up with a cheer of resounding triumph and achievement.

The sideburn trimmer, with impeccable timing and cunning agility pounced. I found myself, in defiance…or what now looked like submission…to the snooty Mr. and Ms, kneeling down in my shower naked, to avoid the hairs in the collar of my shirt, letting the side burn trimmer do its worst, and it did.

After a half hour of effort the once deadly looking side burn trimmer had only found defeat roaming the vast wild expanse of the finely vegetated, brown eyed dome resting atop a superbly etched masculine neck. The outskirts of the wilderness that is my head of hair were chopped to bits but the heart of the jungle was left pretty much unscathed, “SHIT!! Now what do I do?”

I had successfully butchered the front, sides, and back of my head. The top however, the filet mignon of my once professionally cultivated head of hair, was left standing a defiant six inches long. I had come to a point where defeat and humiliation were staring me in the face, pointing and laughing. The bathroom at this point was pretty crowded with personified character traits. I had to get out of there. Upon leaving the bathroom I ran headlong into hope. It was so simple, what place welcomes all bored down trodden lonely people at all hours of the nights offering low cost solutions to all of the world’s major problems? WAL MART.

The trip was short and the hair clippers inexpensive. I arrived back to the now less populated bathroom and gave myself a fine shave with an eight guard in the presence of Mr. Confidence and Ms Resourcefulness. Pride at this point had left my house, I think he got sick.

I woke the next morning with an uneven but surprisingly good look. My mother made a few adjustments to the back and I was good to go. I have to say I don’t think I look half bad. So in your face Mr. Challenge and Ms. Sense of Adventure you got nothing on this.

Hot or Not?

I shaved my head at the beginning of my five lonesome days, but don’t worry the adventure’s didn’t stop. I left the house after my mother doctored my hair with a great sense of being alive. I had no places to be and no people to see, but I did have a lunch date with Mr. Challenge and Ms Sense of Adventure.

We met at Blue Baker and like usual I sat and studied the Major League Baseball web site while they sat annoyingly close to me. While reveling in the depths of the greatest American institution I caught the faintest whisper of an extraordinary idea. I’m not sure if the Ms or Mr. suggested it, but it was a dandy of an idea.

You see, a few months before my lovely friend Fernando had introduced me to a site where people post pictures of themselves and let other people rate their “hotness”, it was cleverly titled hotornot.com. We spent many an entertained hour on the site looking at some incredible pictures. When I say incredible, I’m describing the feeling one gets after seeing someone trip and fall face first down a flight of stares. Then, a few weeks after that, I was at a former place of employment visiting with my friend Josh Harrison. Somehow the site got brought up and he thought that he may know someone who had posted their picture. I quickly looked up the site, but you had to be a member to do searches. So very cleverly, and in the spirit of hoping to make fun of someone else, I posted my picture. His friend wasn’t on there.

Well I’m sitting at blue baker and the idea sneaks up on me. I heard it plain as day in my right ear, “hey you should become a member and see what kind of responses you can get, see what your rating is. You know have fun with it.”

The idea, and excitement, quickly grew on me. Looking back I should have more closely considered the company I was keeping (Mr. Challenge and Ms Sense of Adventure), and just who it was that was feeding me these ideas. Instead I found a cozy corner at blue baker, shelled out $5.95 and became a star member of hotornot.com. Let me list some of my star member privileges: I can keep track of my public rating, get notices of double matches, send e-mails to double matches, and meet as many people as I wanted.

Let me explain the lovely dance that is hotornot.com. First of all you don’t have to be publicly rated, you can just meet people if you want. Also the site is pretty clean, no naked pics. When a user clicks on the meet other people tab of the user menu three things pop up: a picture of someone, their keywords, and a short message. The keywords are usually interests, favorites, and characteristics. Now if the picture, keywords, and personal message interest you, you just click the “yes I would like to meet this person” tab. If you do click yes on that special someone they then receive an exciting message in their e-mail that says “someone from hotornot wants to meet you!” When they open the message your own picture, keywords, and personal message appear. If they approve they click the yes tab and you are then put in each others' double matches folder. This process also works the other way too, if someone likes your bio they click on you and then you get the message in you e-mail and have the option of clicking the yes tab for them. Once double match status is established you may then send messages to each other.

Another great feature the site offers is the search feature. You can do a search based on sex, sexual preference, location, age, and keywords. So, if you happen to be interested in a twenty two year old straight female teacher from the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex who likes fishing, family guy, baseball, and also professes the Christian faith, you could look it up and you’d meet Alexia, she’s one of my double matches.

So I dove right in as soon as I was a member I spent hours doing searches and clicking on people, some were yes and some were no. Sometimes I clicked a yes just to be crazy sometimes I clicked yes hundreds of times just to be annoying to some really stuck up people. Well I had my fun and went home.

When I woke up the next morning I was excited to go check my e-mail and see what kind of responses I got. Got a lot of cowgirls. The picture I posted was a little misleading. I was wearing a cowboy hat and boots and also had my dog in the picture; in short I looked like a country boy. Not only were they cowgirls, but they were…well…horny. One response started off with, “hey your pretty sexy in that cowboy hat!....I hope we can meet soon…I like your dog…see you later sexy xxx.” I don’t think so. While curiosity did have his time on the floor he was unanimously voted down by the rest of the house. Besides for the horny cowgirls I also got a message from a girl in Scotland, Scandinavia, Ohio, Dallas, and New York. I was excited, but then confused. What do I do? What do I say? I’m not interested in dating any of these girls. So I did what I normally do with strangers, I said hello. Through this simple little written verbal message I am now an international friend to some very attractive ladies. Talking to someone across town on IM never really interested me, but Scotland or Scandinavia is completely different.

Since that first confusing and very interesting morning I’ve gotten quite a few hotornot e-mails, and honestly they make me smile, some make me cringe, bust most make me smile. It’s kinda like steroids for your self confidence, and yeah it is a little sleazy, so.

I’ve noticed a few things about the site. First of all, most of the people who are still in college and on the site are just looking for some hot sex with random people or interesting conversation with people from far off lands. People out of college usually seem either desperate or genuinely interested in conversation, relationships, sex, or for relationships. There are lots of school teachers and military people as well…just something I noticed. And, of course some people just want to know if other people think that they’re as hot as they think themselves. Oh, and some of them are obviously cheap shots at people who someone is really mad at. These are pretty obvious when you come across them. They have awful pictures and often have key words like gassy, no bathing, hairy butt (for girls, not so outrageous for guys), and smells sour.

In my opinion it’s no different than face book, or even hitting the bar in some ways. At least at your computer you’ll be sober and don’t have to worry too much about making conversation, just look at the keywords list. For me, it was lots of fun, I did let all the people I talked to know that I didn’t want a relationship, which was a little akward, but necessary.

The only thing I wonder about now is what I will say if one day, walking down the street, or heaven forbid in a crowded restaurant, someone stops me and says “hey I’ve seen you on hotornot!” I think I’ll probably turn a little red and laugh. What do I care? Everyone’s got stuff they can be made fun of for, and this definitely isn’t the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done. Besides I think I’ve made fun of enough people over my life that I can take a little coming back at me.

Comment of "Fickle Resolve"

I need to say that the Leutinant mentioned in the post"Fickle Resolve" is still around, he never left. Also a couple of my friends have still remained and grow even closer to me everyday. I think I got a little to dramatic about that. Also I human and don't always express myself clearly, or understand what I am trying to express. Thanks for understanding. Peace!

Felix

Fickle Resolve

Fickle Resolve

The title doesn’t make much sense does it? I’m trying to figure out what it is that I’m seeing and what’s going on around me. We (my close friends and some others) all know very personally what happened with each other last fall semester. We all know for the most part what was going on with us at the beginning of the spring semester, though some knowledge was only second hand. However towards the end of the spring semester and definitely during the beginning of this summer I have no idea what’s going on with the majority of my close friends. Some have moved away, but most are still here.

There seems to be a growing commonwealth of stress and anxiety. Personally I can say for sure. I’ve been confused, stressed, worried, blah blah blah. Apparently many others have as well. I say apparently because I don’t really know for sure. That strikes me as a situation that benefits no one. When I ask my friends about other our other close friends they say they don’t really know. Why?

From what I can tell we all rushed into a battle under a banner of youthful excitement and tripped over a chord of reality. When we looked up our immediate supervisor was still going, not to say he left us but that he stayed the course. However, instead of helping each other up we just limped of in the dark sporadically calling out to each other aimless encouragement while all the while needing more than ever very accurate evangelism (ministry of good news). A squad of privates, even without their lieutenant, may offer each other better protection than any one of them could offer themselves. Not only are they better protected against their common enemy but also against loneliness and fear. Moreover the closer they stay the better protected they will be from being turned against each other.

My problem now is what that looks like. I hate to say it but maybe we need more _organization. We don’t get together anymore. Why?

Why don’t we come together anymore? Was there much reason or point behind the first meetings we had? I think we found something good and then stopped doing it. Why?

Encouragement to those who need it:

Remember, though your lieutenant may be no where to be seen, your general knows exactly where you are, and will not leave you. He is the watcher who never sleeps. The church in Corinth, Galatia, Colossae, and Philippi did not always have Paul with them, yet the Lord was confident enough in them to take Paul somewhere else.

Sometimes the Lord really does just want us to wait.

Sometimes the Lord does not act quickly

He does not punish us for sin

He does not punish us for sin

He does not punish us for sin

He does not punish us for sin

He does not punish us for sin

He does not punish us for sin

He does not punish us for sin

He does not punish us for sin

Emotions and sensations are nothing to base faith on

Faith is given freely

His yoke is easy and His burden is light

If we were really as much against His will as we sometimes think we are, He’d let us know

He works all things for the good of those who love Him

All of these things I have to repeat to myself and offer to those who may be in need. Just because we may be naked standing in front of mirrors for all the world to see does not mean we can’t be naked together. Standing naked in front of the mirrors and the world is not “time out” it’s a blessing. We have to be there and will be there until we can remember what we look like when the mirrors are no longer there. No reason not to enjoy it. Right? In the beginning I remember looking to the heavens and crying “why did You do this to me?” He reminded me I asked Him to: “Oh Lord, bring me to a place where I have to need you. Where there is nothing else but You, and give me strength to stand in the midst of hateful world and love them. Let my weakness show and destroy in me all that is not You.” I can only now thank Him, and laugh at myself. If you’ll let me I’ll laugh at/with you too. :-)

lions and tigers and bears oh my!!!

Ventage Suade Confession

What happened to me? Why do I feel so worthless and unused? Why do I feel like I an just waiting in vane for the next. . . something to happen?

I realized something this evening. I was a sweet eugenes and I noticed that I was not willing or exited to meet anyone. In fact I was appreciating and seeking being alone in the crowd. I did not search for new contacts to know and entertain like I normally would have. What happened? I got fired from Sweet Eugene’s and asked to leave young life. Every reason I had to let people know me was gone. That was it. I didn’t want to get to know people for my sake, but for theirs. I was a person that would be a blessing in their life. It was my responsibility, being so holy, to let people know me and see the things I do. Accept now I have nothing to show people, nothing to advertise of myself. I do nothing great that most people can’t do better. I no longer have the collegiate Christian dream job and I am no longer in charge of a college led youth oriented ministry. Seemingly, all I have left is work and school. Most people anywhere are better at school than I am, and apparently most people are better at working than I am as well. Probably the two most “unchristian” things to happen are to get asked to leave a ministry and get fired from your job. I just need to get someone pregnant now and build up an insurmountable gambling debt. Right now I scream unreliable, what else could it be? Why would the Lord ever have people get fired and kicked out of a ministry?

Now when I see people I don’t know, mainly beautiful women, the first thought that goes through my head is what’s the point? Sure they may be happy to meet me, but once they find out that I failed at ministry and failed at work their view of me goes down. Then we may talk about why I failed at ministry. So far, most people have not received very well at all what I have experienced with the Holy Spirit. I don’t think I would feel so down about it except that it seems like the Holy Spirit has stopped doing what He was doing. I have no more exiting stories to vindicate myself. I feel like the walls and roof caved in because of the floor and then the floor fell out from underneath me. So what’s the point of meeting anyone? They have so much to lose by knowing me and I can’t seem to stop losing.

At the same time I know that this is the Lord. He killed my reputation. He locked me in a room of mirrors so I could see myself. Not only did he lock me in this room, but he stripped me naked of all the pretty clothing I had collected over the years to gaze upon when I did look in the mirror. Now it’s just me and there is no outer layer to distract me. No beautiful shirt or pants to cover what I really look like. Everyone else is on the outside looking in too. They don’t see that I’m in a room of mirrors with no door and can’t look out. They don’t see that I was put there by the Lord. They have a hard time seeing that it is not a punishment, so do I. All they see is my nakedness, and I’m ashamed. I am ashamed of my nakedness and trying so hard not to be ashamed of why I’m naked or who put me there and won’t let me leave. I don’t want to draw attention to myself. Why would I want people to see me now?

I know I need to just stay and stand and wait for the Lord, but I want nothing more than to be clothed and to move out of in front of the mirrors. Then I also realize that this is what I asked for. I asked that He would take away what was not His. I have such a hard time thinking that the Lord orchestrated my firing. Maybe He didn’t. Either way I’m ashamed. Maybe I should have specified that I wanted to keep all the things that I liked. I thought he’d take away all my money, or maybe some friends would turn on me. But I’ve never really struggled with that. I had my livelihood and my ministerial network as my closest friends. They would nurse my wounds and bring me new friends. I’ve been poor before, and besides being poor was holy, but not unemployed.

I’m afraid to meet people because I have nothing to show them to validate any worth in knowing me. Besides once they know me they won’t want to anymore, just like I’ve seen some people do recently.

I knew these people because we all lived in this great city that was built on the things we did and the acceptance we achieved. Now I feel like I live outside the city wall and the only interaction I get with those who once loved my company is as they occasionally look over the walls. The first thing crossing their minds is pity and embarrassment knowing that I got asked to leave the city and can not return. If anyone wants to talk to me they have to leave the city and risk being mistaken for someone like me.

Through all of this I feel so small in my shame, ashamed of my shame. I should feel joyful, because this is the Lord, though I think not many would believe me. The people who used to look up to me now pity me and worry about me because my life “fell apart” for the world to see. One of my former ministerial partners asked me “so what do you do with yourself, everything that was you is gone now”. That was very hard to hear. Everything I was to her was Young Life and Sweet Eugene’s. Was I really nothing more to so many people?

Then I remember the friends that stick around, the people who love me. I have a family who, though they may think I’m crazy and pitiful, love me. I am healthy and smart. I have potential. I have the Lord. I have the Lord. What else do I need? Why can’t these things bring me joy? Since I have been left with myself old temptations have come creeping back in on me. I have no other reason to be pure except to please the Lord. I have no policy to abide by, no constituents to be a holy example for, no respectful audience to impress with my garments of praise. I seem to keep constant company with lust, laziness, wounded pride, aimless bitterness, and most of all guilt. I can’t help but think that I did something to deserve this. That this is merely my sins catching up to me, just like I always knew they would. That seems to be the consensus from quite a few people as well. These things would only happen to a heretic, a wolf in sheep’s clothing, a stubborn man with a screwed up theology.

I’ve never had to try so hard to be thankful.

Now I feel ridiculous, embarrassed, and foolish for even thinking any of this. Then again I also feel relieved, a little thinner in front of my mirrors. Why not, I just unloaded stuff that must have been on my chest, I certainly don’t have any faded jean pockets to keep it in, no vintage puma jacket it to hide it under, just my naked little self standing here for all the world to see and probably misunderstand. Could this be confession? Whatever it is I’ll be thankful for it. Sorry if you read this hoping for some point or conclusion, cause there aint none.

If anyone who reads this has anything other than something nice to say keep it to yourself, cause I don’t care.

Word

Parking Nazis and Technical Superiority

I had a pretty incredible night spanning the wee hours between Wednesday and Thursday. I am in two classes currently that assigned two major papers due on the same day. Breaking my usual custom I started a couple days early. Usually I wait till the last minute. I used to despise myself for laziness, but in observation of myself I’ve noticed a great excitement that comes over me when the ten o’clock hour strikes the night before. I really think I have an infatuation with useless challenges. For instance, I usually find willful, mean, sassy, high strung women most attractive, that never works out in my favor. I like to wait till the last minute to write papers, I really like it. This was different though. I had two papers due the same day, so I did start early.

One paper was a formal report, the other a “What Would You Do” style paper concerning a mock town’s youth problems. The formal report was on Ecotourism and was seventy five percent done when I arrived at Evan’s Library to finish it and start the other one. Moreover, I arrived at the library at 6:30 pm which is far sooner than I usually start. I was feeling pretty confident that I was going to be in bed by two AM at the latest.

I parked off campus and walked to the library. It was a great night, I enjoyed the walk. I arrived at the library and got to work. Now, just to be honest, there was and Astros’ game afoot so I was keeping a close eye on the game via live-cast, for the most part though I was pretty focused. I finished the writing portion of the formal report an hour. I must break from the story here and mention that within this formal report I do believe I wrote the finest sentence that I have ever written thus far. Moving on though, I took a small break and quickly began formatting the report so Copy Corner could quickly and painlessly sculpt my report into a beautifully bound and formatted Formal Report, table of contents and everything.

I spent the next four hours formatting that report. I did the margins, spacing, fonts, pictures, live-cast Astros, punctuation, and a great many long, deep, frustrated breaths. I stopped at around midnight to go home and get some coffee. I realized I might be staying up later than originally scheduled, and to toast to sweet victory, the Astros won. I headed back to campus around midnight thirty.

This time I was going to the Student Computer Center (SCC). It was after midnight so I snagged the closest reserved spot I could get. By my calculations I was going to be gone by five AM, which is long before the Texas A&M parking Nazis fire up their scooters. I stealthily snuck my coffee onto the second floor on the SCC and parked it right next to the most populated table of beautiful young maidens I could scope out. I got back to work right about twelve forty-five.

I formatted for another forty five minutes, breaking only for manly sips of coffee and quality eye contact with beautiful women. Before one forty-five I was done. BOO YAH formal report!

I didn’t even stop for a pat on the back, I dove right in on the problems facing the youth of Teensville. In three and a half hours I had saved Teensville’s youth and established eight phenom youth programs that would quickly be converting Teensville’s at risk youth into our future leaders. All I had to do now was print my papers and head over to the great folks at Copy Corner.

I plugged in to one of the SCC’s computers to print my reports off. Eager to impress the late night printing crew with my formatting prowess I quickly opened my formal report. Bewilderment, shock, anger, profanity. The progression was instantaneous. My heart rate would have quickened if not for vast amounts of caffeine facing through my body. Apparently the version of Word_TM that the SCC supports is not as new as the one on my incredible lap top. All my glorious formatting was now displayed misconstrued and perverted for all the SCC to see. At this point in my life I’m growing accustomed to dealing with always being ahead of the curve. My state of the art version of word was apparently only available to myself and the military. So trying not to pout brood over the SCC’s lack of software tact, I feverishly set to work correcting the formatting achievements which Texas A&M’s lack of technical proficiency had so utterly thwarted.

Well, while I was working away the parking Nazis were cracking down the pagan parking thieves of our holy university. At the time I wasn’t aware that I had so foolishly transgressed upon those sacred grounds.

My mother was the frantic messenger of obvious foopaw. The parking Nazis were closing in on my car. Her frantic nature did not inspire me to immediate action, it merely brought to my attention how tired I was becoming and how close that ten thirty-five turn in time for my formal report was becoming. Being told that my car was already towed I told her I would take the bus to where they were towing my car and deal with it when I was done with my report. She was not satisfied though with my thought and insisted I walk to where she would be waiting to pick me up. So, I walk close a mile across campus to slowly climb into my mother’s silver VW Bug, where I was greeted with, “OK, let’s go see if they have towed your car yet”.

If I had been up for less than thirty-two hours I might have been frustrated or even angry. The SCC was only about two one hundred and fifty yards from my sinful parking spot. It would have taken me all of a moment to jog over to the RESERVED LOT and see if my car was there. Instead I walked all the way across campus to get in my mother’s car so she could drive me back to where I had come from. We pull in to the holy lot and see the back end of my car viciously jacked up unto the back of an A1 towing truck with a parking Nazi joyfully observing. I walk up the parking Nazi and say, “Hey that’s mine, I like it back.” So they start releasing my car. The parking Nazi takes one of the two tickets off my windshield. I instantly felt bad for all the things I had said about them in the past. I started to thing, “maybe they are human”. Then she handed a freshly printed ticket for “releasing” my own car back to me. Eighty-five dollars to give me back my car. EIGHTY-FIVE DOLLARS!!!!

So I climb in my car and head over to Copy Corner. The formatting had mostly been corrected so I thought it would take maybe twenty minutes to touch it up and print it off. I’d be done around eight-thirty, and have time to take a shower and eat.

I arrive at Copy Corner and like always they are happy to see me. Copy Corner employees, I think, are the happiest people in the world, especially in the morning, one of the great true mysteries left in our world. I give them the jump drive with my formal report on it and they bring it up on their computer. Then, once again, the tides of misfortune came rolling back to shore. The version of word that Copy Corner uses is yet another version of the cursed program that is once again incompatible with the formatting I have completed. I spend another two and a half hour formatting my formal report. The Copy Corner folks were true champions of their trade though and did a great job. By the time I got to Blinn College campus to turn in my formal report the class was almost over. So I crashed in the hallway in front of my Tech Writing Prof’s door. He seemed to be pretty good natured about the whole thing and slightly entertained by the short rendition of my adventure; then again I was pretty loopy. Anyway the moral of this story is: Parking Nazis are not really people but mean robots built out of computer parts that failed inspection. Finally, I must never start on a paper prior to the night before it is due, it just doesn’t work for me.

Stormy Seas

“Friggin write something new already!” AAAAAlllllrrrrriiiiiggggghhhhht! Fine!

Let me set the stage first. . .

Not too long ago I was asked to step down from a ministry that I had been involved in for almost eight years. I was served a beautiful ultimatum at a cozy Whataburger at ten thirty in the PM.

1. You (me) will have to abide by our alcohol tobacco policy. (I had no problem with abiding by the policy I just didn’t like the policy, and thought it should be done away with)
2. You will have to join and attend a local church and encourage your ministerial constituents to join you. (I haven’t gone to Sunday morning service in a little over seven months)
3. You can not talk about what you think you have seen the Holy Spirit do or what you think about the Holy Spirit to your fellow ministers or your ministerial constituents. (I believe in, have seen, and experienced the baptism of the Holy Spirit)
4. You can not talk about the bible study you attend with your fellow ministers or your ministerial constituents. (It’s just a bible study)

I respectfully said that I could not do that, so now I am no longer in that ministry. I was really upset, and would have been really mad if the Lord had not specifically told me (in a dream amongst other ways) that He was doing all of this. So my ministry team is now one member short but there are ten ministers left on the team, some of whom are seasoned vets. So I wasn’t real worried about them. Oh but then-THEN teams were picked and the name calling began. . .

Let me tell you a story. . .

For weeks after this happened I had to tell a great number of people the same story over and over again. I was alright with that, people wanted to know what happened. Through all of the story telling I wasn’t hostile at all towards the organization. However in telling the story I often had to expound upon what I believe about the Holy Spirit. One of the other ministers asked me why I wasn’t around anymore, so I told her. She wanted scripture concerning what I had talked about, so I sent it to her. She then asked her team leader, who is our area intern, what he thought about it, he then called me…pissed. He said, “Out of respect for me can you please stay away from my ministry team and anyone who goes to the high school we do ministry at? I don’t want you to tear our team apart like you did yours. Thanks.” He woke me up with this so at first I just said yeah sure and went back to sleep. But upon further consideration I thought “I’m not gonna do that. That’s just silly.” So I invited him to lunch to talk about it. We ate at one of the local Christian delis, McAlister’s. I thought certainly at such a Christian venue we could work things out. By the end of the lunch he had laid his foundation.

1. My theology was completely off and I needed to get it straight, but not to worry, he had plenty of books for me to read.
2. Certain books are not to be taken as foundational for how we live our lives. Acts for example is merely a historical book. Many OT books were put in this category.
3. I was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and he as a shepherd was merely protecting his flock. But not being too stringent he said he didn’t care who I talked to outside of his particular flock, or if I talked with the ministry team he currently runs after he left.
4. He still loves me
5. If I didn’t get my theology right soon I would live a life of fallacy
6. It is foolish to base your faith on experience

I think he was going for tough love?

Also living in Fort College Station Christian Strong Hold is a certain Baptist preacher who preached against our bible study. He said that it was a secret bible study that taught a false gospel, one that needed two baptisms. Well I found out and decided to talk to him about it. I had two goals:

1. I was going to invite him and explain that it is not a secret bible study.
2. To explain that we do not believe the baptism of the spirit has anything to do with salvation

So, my friend and I went to his office, and I stated my two points. He then reprimanded us for not being involved in the local body (a Sunday morning church), told us we had been led astray, that we believed a false gospel, and that as far as what we believed about the Holy Spirit it is heretical and “that (we) were dancing with demons”. That’s a big accusation coming from a Baptist preacher, not only are we holding regular company with demons but dancing with them as well. Good thing he didn’t know I like to have a beer now and again. That would have been the Baptist Triple Sin Trifecta, I would have been condemned to hell right there in his office. Whew, (wipe sweat from brow) that was close.

In light of these events let me paint of picture. . .

- The sea was reeling. Deceptively large waves were shouting their objections as far as the eye could see. Lying on shore was a battered naked man recently thrown forth from a mind bending turmoil that had so long tossed him about. As he came to, he crawled to a welcoming campfire and for what was almost a first, rested. Looking around taking in his surroundings he spotted the author of his rescue. He was master of the shore and now his companion. They both smiled, one with appreciation the other with welcome.

Breakfast was soon being prepared. A great, kosher, breakfast feast: fish, eggs, and OJ. Meanwhile the sea raged on, the thunderclouds low over the water. The two companions sat at the edge of the stormy sea braced against its pull. The shallows looked calm and inviting, yet underneath lay a convincing under tow always headed out to sea. Taking joy in each others presence they ate, and were satisfied.

A voice, struggling through the den of the waves, reached the rescued man, “You fool, what where you thinking! Can you not see that you have been led astray? When I saw you first you were well placed and moving up in rank according to the sea, your head above water and your station secure. I looked to you as an example of how to live on the waves and steer a vessel. Now you have gone astray and been cast into the sea. I no longer see you clearly or consistently. I hear your voice but you are no longer visible through the swells of the sea.”

The man who had been brought out of the sea called back to the man at sea. “Please calm yourself and listen. When we were at sea together we often spoke of a rescuer who would not only bring us to shore but into the mountains, and then into the very heavens themselves. We were told of him by our companions at sea, Captains and builders of vessels. Some of whom were the very authors and rulers of the waves. They encouraged us to listen to the rescuers voice, as well as pay attention to the waves so as not be capsized, but the waves are loud and often claim His voice as their own. I heard his voice and followed it despite the waves, and now I am on shore with the very man himself.”

The man at sea skillfully steered his boat among the swells while calling back, “Deceiver! How do you ignore the sea? It gives us our food and keeps our vessel afloat. You encourage us to risk starvation and isolation and to give up what we know best of how to live. You want us to chance the sea for a shore we can not see and of which the waves tell us differently. You abandon ship and your crew and encourage us to do the same? You ignored the swells and tides and their authority to venture where the waves break and crash to carry out their punishment, and you ask us to follow you!? The waves scream testimony against you as well as our captains, yet you say the rescuer instructed you. You lie and speak falsely.”

The man on shore responded, “The waves are not sure or foundational. They often crash into each other. The have capsized vessels, drowned our companions, and fight each other with great opposing words all in the name of the rescuer. Yet, if you listen to the rescuers voice only, he will not let you drown. By his very nature, being the rescuer he will not let you drown! The sea gives us food that it did not make, and brings us places that we never wanted to go. The rescuer though brings us to shore, the only place he ever wanted us to go. We falsely thought that our vessels would bring us to shore and to the mountains, but those vessels were made by the sea for the sea only to be at sea, and have no place on land. Ships have no life on land and must stay at sea. Yes I left my ship because the captain would not have me stay. The rescuer assured me though and had me cast into the sea only to bring me out of it. Yes the waves break and crash, but it’s only because they meet the shore and their depths are made shallow. The sea only meets the shore momentarily and then recedes from it. On shore there is great food, food that has no home in the sea. You can walk endlessly with the rescuer and never run out of solid earth under your feet. The wind that carried His voice to us on the sea is much louder here, and the sea can only be heard as the waves crash and break along the shore line. You see me as tossed about, yet I am standing on solid ground and it is your entire vessel that is being tossed about by the sea and obscuring your view.”

The sailor called back vehemently, “You ask us to give up what is certain and what we’ve always known for something that we can not see. How are we to believe in something that only you and the wind tell us about and what we can not see? You are basing what you say on something you believe to have experienced yet the waves scream testimony against you. We have the words of the rescuer when he came to us in his ship on the sea and the thoughts of all the greatest captains ever written in the bowels of our ships. Our greatest captains reconcile them together and make great truths. Yet you ignore what they say and only take His written word and His voice that comes on the wind. The captains have told us that the vessels and sea are what the rescuer gave us to guide us to him. Though they are not exactly as He left them they are all we have. You ask us to give up what he left us. He promised us the heavens as long as we know him. You also ask us to give up what we know, but this is His promise and we will not give it up.”

The man on shore cried out, “He left us one great vessel on a calm sea that had only one destination which was the shore. We left that vessel though and built our own, and through all the extra vessels we stirred up a great storm that only grows worse with each new ship. Yes we all end up in the heavens, that was his promise for hearing and accepting His voice, but He has promised us the shore and valleys and mountains as well. We were all born of the sea, yet did He not want us born of the wind too? We built ships with no sails to catch the wind and so live victim to the sea. So let us abandon ship and follow the wind despite the biggest waves that may come against us. He also promised to never let us drown, and more than that to shelter and feed us. Did He not warn us against other captains? Those captains are subject to the sea no less than their ships are. Leave them and follow the voice on the wind, it will only lead you to shore!”

The man continued to shout but the ship was no longer in range of his voice-

So forgive me for the really long analogy but I found it more entertaining than me just recounting what happened. I very much believe that the theology I have been continuously encouraged to get straight, and that so many people try to reconcile to the things that happen and the things they don’t understand, are the waves of uncertainty that the Word warns us of. Then again I am a “heretical wolf in sheep’s clothing dancing with demons”. In light of my status you should cross yourself, lay hands on your computer, and pray for my soul. I know the Lord, despite what others may think…feel free to pray for my soul anyway though.

The Akward Vessel

Here's the deal. I love the Lord, and I love seeking Him. Sometimes He finds pleasure in using me as his vessel. I love that too, can't get enough of it. However the feelings that sometimes accompany post holy usage are less than agreeable. I sometimes get the sense that if the Lord uses me, I need to start being pretty holy. My view of holy isn't exactly dead on though. So on my way down from the lofty clouds of a spiritual experience I usually get a pretty good look at how messy and akward my life really is. I ask myself, "How can a VESSEL of Goooood, still be messed up like this?" Well thank goodness for my Old Testament friends Noah, David, and Lot. These guys were greater vessels and dealt with more drama than I ever will. . . hopefully.
Let's take a gander at these OT studs.

Noah:
God told Noah that He was going to destroy the entire earth in a flood to end all floods, but he wanted to save Noah and his family because Noah was righteous in His eyes. So the Lord told Noah to build The Ark. A ginormous boat that could hold at least two of every living creature on the earth. Now I imagine that the experience Noah had with the Lord when He told him to build the Ark was pretty moving. The other day the Lord wanted me to say something, so he set my inards on fire and fanned the flames until I said it. He set me on fire just to say something, he made a giant fish swallow Jonah to get him to go somewhere, it makes me nervous to think about how the Lord would inspire me to build The Ark. Moving on though, Noah was on this boat with God knows how many stinkin animals, his wfe, the kids, and the kids' wives. This goes far beyond any family trip I've ever been on. I'ld say this trip was rough waters the entire time, hahaha, not to mention it started with the Noah family listening to everyone they ever knew dying outside their boat whille begging Noah to let them in. They may not have liked those people, but that's still got to be upsetting. They spend three hundred and seventy seven days together in the Ark. On the last day they get off and what's the first recorded thing that Noah does? He plants a vineyard and hits the sauce, completely understandable. He had a lot of weight on his shoulders. He was head of the only living humans on the face earth, and on top of that he just received the first covenant God ever made with people. The last instance of Noah that is recorded is in Genesis chapter nine. Noah gets completely tossed and ends up in his tent naked (who was he drinking with?). Then his youngest son, Ham, walks in on him passed out naked and runs to get his brothers so they can all have a laugh at dad. However the two older sons respect their pops and make Ham look really bad by just covering Noah up and walking out having never laid eyes on him. Noah wakes up pissed and curses his son Ham and all of Ham's descendents to and existance of servitude. The whole laughing at him naked I think was just the straw that broke the camels back. Ham probably, judgeing by his reaction to seeing his dad naked, pulled ass clown stunts like this all the time during their 377 day stay in The Ark. He may have even made fun of Noah while he was building The Ark. Who knows? The point is, Noah was deffinitely a vessel of the Lord, and he deffinitely had his share of messy moments and akward times.

David:
David not only had an affair with a lady and knocked her up, but then helped himself to a big old side plate of murder. Not only did all his wives know, but I would bet the whole kingdom found out. David handled it pretty well though. He took the Lord's judgement and then brushed his shoulder off and moved on. I think we could all learn something from David.

Lot:
Lot is probably my favorite example. He was delivered from God's judgement much like Noah was, minus the ass clown son Noah had to deal and Lot's wife who obviously couldn't follow directions. Lot was delivered from a more impressive judgement too. Instead of using water God opened a holy can of whoop ass and brought the fire and brimstone. So Lot escapes to a small town and then goes into the mountains with His two floozy daughters. His two daughters, driven crazy by the deafening roar of an overbearing biological clock, get Lot wasted and SLEEP WITH THEIR FATHER!. I'm pretty sure it would be pretty awful to find out you have been unknowingly dating your distant cousin, but sleeping with parents is over the line. Lot probably never found out either until he was standing before God's judgement seat and the good Lord told him all that he had done. The descriptive power of the word akward falls far short of what is needed here.

I don't mean to make fun of what these guys went through. I just take comfort in knowing that seeking the Lord and being his vessel carries no promise or requirement of perfection or being better at life. So take heart and face those akward times head on. Also these are not the only such stories in the bible. The OT is full of inspiration follies and akward heroes. I encourage you to find your own inspirational OT heroes and share them with your friends