Ventage Suade Confession

What happened to me? Why do I feel so worthless and unused? Why do I feel like I an just waiting in vane for the next. . . something to happen?

I realized something this evening. I was a sweet eugenes and I noticed that I was not willing or exited to meet anyone. In fact I was appreciating and seeking being alone in the crowd. I did not search for new contacts to know and entertain like I normally would have. What happened? I got fired from Sweet Eugene’s and asked to leave young life. Every reason I had to let people know me was gone. That was it. I didn’t want to get to know people for my sake, but for theirs. I was a person that would be a blessing in their life. It was my responsibility, being so holy, to let people know me and see the things I do. Accept now I have nothing to show people, nothing to advertise of myself. I do nothing great that most people can’t do better. I no longer have the collegiate Christian dream job and I am no longer in charge of a college led youth oriented ministry. Seemingly, all I have left is work and school. Most people anywhere are better at school than I am, and apparently most people are better at working than I am as well. Probably the two most “unchristian” things to happen are to get asked to leave a ministry and get fired from your job. I just need to get someone pregnant now and build up an insurmountable gambling debt. Right now I scream unreliable, what else could it be? Why would the Lord ever have people get fired and kicked out of a ministry?

Now when I see people I don’t know, mainly beautiful women, the first thought that goes through my head is what’s the point? Sure they may be happy to meet me, but once they find out that I failed at ministry and failed at work their view of me goes down. Then we may talk about why I failed at ministry. So far, most people have not received very well at all what I have experienced with the Holy Spirit. I don’t think I would feel so down about it except that it seems like the Holy Spirit has stopped doing what He was doing. I have no more exiting stories to vindicate myself. I feel like the walls and roof caved in because of the floor and then the floor fell out from underneath me. So what’s the point of meeting anyone? They have so much to lose by knowing me and I can’t seem to stop losing.

At the same time I know that this is the Lord. He killed my reputation. He locked me in a room of mirrors so I could see myself. Not only did he lock me in this room, but he stripped me naked of all the pretty clothing I had collected over the years to gaze upon when I did look in the mirror. Now it’s just me and there is no outer layer to distract me. No beautiful shirt or pants to cover what I really look like. Everyone else is on the outside looking in too. They don’t see that I’m in a room of mirrors with no door and can’t look out. They don’t see that I was put there by the Lord. They have a hard time seeing that it is not a punishment, so do I. All they see is my nakedness, and I’m ashamed. I am ashamed of my nakedness and trying so hard not to be ashamed of why I’m naked or who put me there and won’t let me leave. I don’t want to draw attention to myself. Why would I want people to see me now?

I know I need to just stay and stand and wait for the Lord, but I want nothing more than to be clothed and to move out of in front of the mirrors. Then I also realize that this is what I asked for. I asked that He would take away what was not His. I have such a hard time thinking that the Lord orchestrated my firing. Maybe He didn’t. Either way I’m ashamed. Maybe I should have specified that I wanted to keep all the things that I liked. I thought he’d take away all my money, or maybe some friends would turn on me. But I’ve never really struggled with that. I had my livelihood and my ministerial network as my closest friends. They would nurse my wounds and bring me new friends. I’ve been poor before, and besides being poor was holy, but not unemployed.

I’m afraid to meet people because I have nothing to show them to validate any worth in knowing me. Besides once they know me they won’t want to anymore, just like I’ve seen some people do recently.

I knew these people because we all lived in this great city that was built on the things we did and the acceptance we achieved. Now I feel like I live outside the city wall and the only interaction I get with those who once loved my company is as they occasionally look over the walls. The first thing crossing their minds is pity and embarrassment knowing that I got asked to leave the city and can not return. If anyone wants to talk to me they have to leave the city and risk being mistaken for someone like me.

Through all of this I feel so small in my shame, ashamed of my shame. I should feel joyful, because this is the Lord, though I think not many would believe me. The people who used to look up to me now pity me and worry about me because my life “fell apart” for the world to see. One of my former ministerial partners asked me “so what do you do with yourself, everything that was you is gone now”. That was very hard to hear. Everything I was to her was Young Life and Sweet Eugene’s. Was I really nothing more to so many people?

Then I remember the friends that stick around, the people who love me. I have a family who, though they may think I’m crazy and pitiful, love me. I am healthy and smart. I have potential. I have the Lord. I have the Lord. What else do I need? Why can’t these things bring me joy? Since I have been left with myself old temptations have come creeping back in on me. I have no other reason to be pure except to please the Lord. I have no policy to abide by, no constituents to be a holy example for, no respectful audience to impress with my garments of praise. I seem to keep constant company with lust, laziness, wounded pride, aimless bitterness, and most of all guilt. I can’t help but think that I did something to deserve this. That this is merely my sins catching up to me, just like I always knew they would. That seems to be the consensus from quite a few people as well. These things would only happen to a heretic, a wolf in sheep’s clothing, a stubborn man with a screwed up theology.

I’ve never had to try so hard to be thankful.

Now I feel ridiculous, embarrassed, and foolish for even thinking any of this. Then again I also feel relieved, a little thinner in front of my mirrors. Why not, I just unloaded stuff that must have been on my chest, I certainly don’t have any faded jean pockets to keep it in, no vintage puma jacket it to hide it under, just my naked little self standing here for all the world to see and probably misunderstand. Could this be confession? Whatever it is I’ll be thankful for it. Sorry if you read this hoping for some point or conclusion, cause there aint none.

If anyone who reads this has anything other than something nice to say keep it to yourself, cause I don’t care.

Word