Man I Miss That Beard

Man I miss that beard :-(

Cry Like A Sissy Boy

i know it's been a while, and maybe anyone who ever read my stuff has abandonned me in my hiatis, but there has been much going on here and i haven't had time to process it. I do think i caught a glimpse of myself spiritually just now though. picture this:

"...little boy so anxious and worried about promised goodies from his dad. he paces and walks in place. his mouth is frozen in a maniacle anticipatory euphoric smile. he rings his hands constantly and breaths sporadically. every few seconds he totally freaks out with giggles and akwardly laughs, groaning his implorations of "when daddy, when!!!!". while dad is still preparing the boys gift the boys entire demeanor changes. his smile fades, the light in his eyes dims, and a foggy glaze rolls over him in place of the overwhelming intensity that once burned in him. he slumps against the wall in defeat of his own passion for what is to come thinking that "it's not here now, i don't see it coming, it will never be hear. daddy only teased me to test my fortitude, and all of my excitment was only a bright banner of my own failure to abstain or resist the greatest gifts". daddy turns from his work and sees the boy in utter despair weeping bitterly. in shock and amazment he leaps from his work and runs to the boy, "what are you doing!? did i not promise you good gifts?! why are you crying?!" the boy looks at him and says, "but i haven't gotten them yet, i've only seem glimpses and you won't let me have them." the daddy laughs sadly and says, "but they're not ready yet son, stop your sissy boy crying. i'm not going to give you incomplete gifts but gifts that are full and wonderful and complete. half a gift truly would be test, but i promised you gifts, and gifts are not tests." the boy being quite fikkle leaps up quivering with excitment and resumes his excited anticipatory figeting."

if you can't peace it together i am the boy. i am a very impatient boy with perverted views about the gifts of the Lord that are thankfully dying. I also have a severe lack of patience that the Lord is rectifying, and I also tend to cry (spiritually) like a sissy boy.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

On my previous post (Por Tito en Espana) there is a picture of my great friend Fernando flying his flags (middle fingers) which may lead some to believe that he is insensitive or rude. May it never be!!! So here is my attempt at rectifying the situation, and I really want everyone to see this picture in case you ever meet the Nando (don't call him Ferny only Nando). He looks so good in hats, don't you think? This could also be somwhat of a...vengeful act?...but i think its mainly funny.

Salvation As I Know It

I realized today that I don't know everyone who reads my blog, and may be surprised at some of the people who do. In light of that I considered the many posts that I have written and wondered if I have confused anyone. Probably so. So now I want to post something that I hope is common among all of my bretheren. This may also be what some of those who aren't sure about...are looking for. Following is the salvation of Christ as I have come to know Him. Here Goes.

In the beginning God created man. He breathed into man giving him life. That breath of God is our spirit. When man fell in the Garden and knew sin, our spirits died. That dead spirit is passed down to every human born since then up to the present.

Thus enterth Christ. Christ entered the world without natural conception but holy conception, thus bypassing being born with a dead spirit. He was also born with the very heart of the Father, enabing Jesus to live this life without tarnishing that spirit. Then when Jesus was hanging on the cross the Father took all of our transgressions and iniquities and deposited them into Christ, then turned His back on His only son and let him die the death of our sins. Christ died and went to hell for three days. While in hell he endured the sentence for our sins, all of them, and overcame them. So when He rose on the third day He then had not only a clean spirit but one that had been forgiven all of humanity's sins. Then at the end of John Christ breathes on his disciples depositing His clean spirit in place of their dead ones. So the disciples now had a spirit that was not only cleansed of their former sins, but of all sin. They had the spirit of Christ. That act of breatheing of them is the same way God the Father breathed life into Adam.
Christ breathing on the disciples established the body of christ, because they all had the same spirit, just like my body has one spirit but many body parts, so does Christ's spirit have many parts (all the brethren). So now when we appear before the judgement seat and satan says to the Father, "look at all the bad stuff this guy did" Christ can say "yes, he did those things and was guilty but i have already served his prison time, so he is clean."

It's funny because satan doesn't even have to lie, he just tells the nasty truth, and he still gets it in the rear. HA!

This is what I know for sure as the Salvation of Christ. While I am made up of many rooms, some which will burn away, this truth is the cornerstone to my foundation. It is not my whole foundation, but definitely my cornerstone. There is much more to the Father than salvation, so there is much more to my foundation. That, though, will have to saved for later.

I post this because I want everyone to see the cornerstone that I try to build onto. All the stuff I add may or may not be Godly, but this most definitley is. So in light of this, all of my other posts may burn away, but this will remain.

While I would love to know all the people who may read this, if you just don't feel like saying anything that's fine. But if you do, feel free to correct, disagree, give hearty approval, or leave some sort of pondering comment like "hmmmmm...". I like them all. Peace!

ps- to leave comments place cursor over the number next to the title of the post and the word "comments" will magically appear, click on it. some have been confused, so there it is.

in your face old me

i've wanted to post this song for a while, so here it is. Rilo Kiley sings this song, though i don't know the title. I cried the first time i heard this song, and a few times since. i could never understand my overwhelming relief at hearing this song until recently. here's the song, the explanation follows:

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can’t move

awake but can not open my eyes

and the weight is crashing down

on my lungs I know I can’t breath

and hope someone will save me this time

and your mother still calls you insane and high

swearing its different this time

and you tell her to give in, to the demons that possess her

and that god never blessed her inside

then you hang up the phone, and feel badly for upsetting things

crawl back into bed to dream of a time

when your heart was open wide

and you loved things just because like the sink and the…

and sometimes when you’re on

you’re really fucking on

and your friends they sing along and they love you

but the lows are so extreme, that the good seems fucking sheek

and it teases you for weeks in its absence

but you’ll fight and you’ll make it through

you’ll fake it if you have to

and you’ll show up for work with a smile

you’ll be better and you’ll be smarter and more grown up

and a better daughter, or son, and a real good friend

you’ll be awake you’ll be alert you’ll be positive tough it hurts

and you’ll laugh and embrace all your friends

you’ll be a real good listener, you’ll be honest you’ll be brave

you’ll be handsome and you’ll be beautiful

you’ll be happy

shit may be coming in

you’re weak but not givin in

to the crys and the wills of the valley below

and your shit may be coming in

you’re weak but not givin in

and you’ll fight it, you’ll go out fighting all of ‘em

Why did I cry? because this song is the embodiment of my old self. my religious, fake, naive self who only knew the Lord as master and not daddy. This was my life, i didn't know that as a christian i was aloud to be unhappy and let it show. so i would wake up, swallow my honesty and throw my pretty speech around and listen to the cheers and appreciate the looks of approval. the whole time i was desperate for an honest love that would even love me when i was depressed and unhappy. At the time I first heard this song I was on the near side of being broken in major ways. most of my religion had recently been baptized in fire and none survived. When I heard the words of this song, to a militaryesque determined drumline, i saw my sad broken tear stained body laying in front of the pretty, happy smiling shell i had just been smoked out of. i was laying there in all my ugliness laughing/crying hysterically and giving my blank, staring, performance model shell the big f#%k you. I was so relieved that the Lord saw my brokenness, and freed me from the life this song so poignently sings of while still loving me with an overwhelming affection. Amen?

AMEN.

Global Empire of Wantoness

The title is supposed to read with that deep echoing voice you hear on the cheesy sales commercials, "GLOBAL EMPIRE OF WANTONESS!!!!" Anyway I was inspired by temporarily Spanish friend, Tito, to the following observations.

Our parents, most of them, seem to obsessed with the idea of their kids, all of us, graduating college and going on to high paying jobs. We, for the most part, seem to be quite upset by the notion and don't want to comply.

Our present generational culture reminds me of the elites of the Enlightenment Period. If you're a literary fellow, we remind me of a rising nation of Pierre Bezuhovs. Pierre was a rich bastard son of a dying political God of Tolstoy's Russia in War and Peace. Pierre enters the epic returning from his educational travels that many rich kids were sent on and partook of many times in their lives. These trips were born of education, need for adventure, and curiosity. Pierre came back unsettled by the state of things and wanted to change everything wrong about the society he was in, which consisted of anything he didn't agree with. So he went on some adventures and changed a few obvious things that were related to him. Now imagine an entire country, like the US, full of Pierres. Creepy.

Except our need for adventure and curiosity is constantly being side tracked by entertainment; TV, movies, video games, overpowering culture shifts. So some of our generation are starting to grow old with that unsatisfied need to be righteous and make a difference. Some of us though are taking our chances and going for it. Traveling, studying abroad, grad school, for many christians in college station they get there adventure from marriage (i may have to explain that later, i'm sure some people will be pissed at that one, hehehe). Ultimately though it's only the Pierres, or the rich that get to take those chances. You won't see any ghetto kids traveling the world.

You see we're no the first world empire. We just happen to be the only one that is truly global and truly in control. The travelers and educated of the Roman's were from Rome or at least the Italian peninsula. During the Enlightenment it was Europe the headed the World, Thus the sophisticates were all from Europe. Now it's America. We are so lost in the middle of the richest of the world that we don't even know it. We are the elites, and we don't see it. Imagine how many people would be driven to action by sheer boredom if we lived with out all of the entertainment we are constantly bombarded with.

Our age also plays a factor. We're at the point where we want experience more than anything. We have this notion that there is so much more in the proverbial "out there" than we've got here. Which in a way is true, but ultimately I think it's all the same stuff just with different frosting (culture and setting). I could be wrong though, I've never really been in the proverbial "out there".

The "church", on the other hand I think is going through this awful "pubescent" stage. It's basically making an ass of itself and all the while thinking it's getting cooler and cooler. The body of Christ is always maturing so the growing pains will be consistent until we reach that blessed day when Christ presents us to the Father as a mature man. I think this "pubescent" stage is stemming from a few things:

1. Our culture is obsessed with being young, so the "church", being extremely cultural, is constantly having to stay young.
2. Our generation has an unsatisfiable hunger for something unknown, so the frustration with the church, and it's need for solidarity, is understandable. Imagine a pregnant woman's frustration at her blind and deaf husband's inability to acquire that perfect food that satisfies that elusive craving that she herself can not identify.
3. Our generation doesn't know what church is so it really doesn't know what it wants. It wants church but doesn't know it. We've seen from our parents that money doesn't get happiness and that the hippie lifestyle isn't the best either. Then we turn around and are faced with the boredom and constraint of "church" life that comes after college church life and, all of a sudden we see the next eighty years of their life laid out before us and it scares us. The "emergent" church is, from my view point, continuation of college service for people who just can't get over it.

Our country has a rich history of adventure and change, not so much a rich present though. I think it comes somewhat with the rising global economy, some with the elite world status that Americans are born with, and the separation between plebs and the government that has taken place over the past twenty to thirty years. Do college students have as much impact on the government today as our parents did in their day, no.

In short our parents see in us the chance to live all the dreams they fought for and believed in, and all we see is the staleness of living someone else's dreams. We've seen all the world has to offer and know there's no lasting fulfillment there. We think we've seen what the church has to offer, and nothing. But oh that blessed day when the church is tested with fire and all the shit burns away. We will be left with very little gold and a great many trials. I think that day is approaching.

Also I think it's important to realized there is a chronic satisfaction in our generation with surface knowledge. We have this tendency to learn something for twenty minutes and claim we know it. This comes from the History and Discovery channels, among other stuff of course. Man (clutching chest) that one hurt, I love those channels. We tend not to ponder the deeps of things. How many married couples have I heard of being mentored by a couple that's been married for ten or fifteen years. How about being married for fifty years, that's the guy I want advice from.

Whew!!!! this is long. I think I'll stop. I'm starting to sweat. You guys let me know where I went wrong and I'll try to explain. Or I may just say "touche good sir/madam, touche." I'll close with some song lyrics by Mike Doughty.

"What is my life without my heart at risk?
When will I love someone
When will someone be mine
Forty grand in the hole
I'm gonna open it up and
Let my yearning, shine"

So...?

Alright, usually I'm not a very politically oriented or agitated person, but lately I've taken a much keener interest due to my growing interest in environmental issues. I also think getting older has it's affect. I'm definitely not saying I'm getting old, at all. I won't be old till I'm 70 or something, I mean why be old until you have no other choice.

Anyway, I watched the state of the union. The only thing more uncaptivating was the Democratic response. Wow!! Boring!! I don't just mean in a political way. There was no passion, no ardor, no violent uncontrolled emotion in either one of the speeches. When I hear the leader of the most powerful nation of the face of the earth tell his constituents (me and you) the state of our nation and where he intends to take it, I expect some gusto. If he's not excited about where he's taking the nation why should I be? I'm not to happy with him right now anyway. He cut my pell grants, and many others pell grants as well. Moreover he was pretty frikin vague when it came to domestic issues, especially environmental issues. He started to say what I wanted to hear, and then left me hangin.

Lastly, those democrats need to have some rebuilding years crammed into the short amount of time before the next election. They really suck. Their response to the State of the Union reeked of vagueness, unpreparedness, carelessness with opportunity, and ultimately the attitude of "you know what, I'm a bureaucrat, I've got this power and we just really don't care about all you layman. So here is some lackadaisical political jargon, go chew on it for a while." I was almost ready to consider voting democrat next time, if I vote, by the end of the state of the union. Then the democrats opened dumb fat mouths and completely turned me off.

Most of all I just felt like he didn't say very much of anything. At least not anything of substance. I think maybe a powerpoint would have helped, or maybe something interactive. I feel like he was trying to pull a fast one on me, with all his jargon and pleas for liberty and bipartisanship.

Lastly the democrats not cheering at most of the stuff he said and then cheering when he brought up something that pissed him off was so annoying and aggrivating. I've seen more considerate behavior from a room full of five years olds.

I realize I may be politically naive. I know my interests and concerns, and more over I know people who got their shit together when I see em, and tonight I just don't feel like I saw too many.

"He Will Give Them Death, and They WIll Love Him For It"

I have two of the most fantastic jobs a college student could ask for. First of all I work at the climbing wall in the rec center. Love to climb, love the people, love the work, what else is there. I am also an RA at a dorm for three foreign exchange students from Korea that attend a local private high school. I get paid a great deal. Pay is pretty much like salary, not based on hours. I get paid to sleep, study, play video games and watch TV. This "dorm" is actually an apartment. I am responsible for making sure these guys eat, don't kill themselves, and have a ride. But I am starting to really hate this job. Solely because of the TV and video games. Entertainment is the true opium of the masses, and I am a junky.

I'm a little depressed right now. Mainly because I feel like I completely wasted a day. I spent almost all day watching television. I watched television because I swore to myself I wasn't going to play video games. I did that because the other night I spent close to eight straight hours playing. That's rediculous!!! And I hate it!!!

Thoughts on video games:

I don't have myself completely convinced yet but i'm starting to think that video games are sitting the fence between sin and temptation. Playing video games is the biggest waste of time currently on the earth. It can be stressfull, very time consuming, pointless, tiring, mind numbing, degrading, and it goes on. Also they're not real. A person participates in nothing real by playing video games. They're a lazy form of immagination. A person could sit down and write a story, paint a picture, build something, or even follow some logically deduced pattern of thought to the next great epaphany that will change mankind as we know it. Or you can sit in front of a television manipulating programmed colors that immatate some romantic version of life that never really exists. They leave no room for true creativity. The only games I've ever really enjoyed are the sports games. I could play sports, or write about them, experience them, coach them, or any other number of things concerning them, but I would never achieve the greatness in the real world that I do on MVP Baseball 2006. In that fake world I an owner, manager, and star third baseman of the Houston Astros. But it does absolutely nothing for me in this world. You know the world I actually live in.

There is also something hypnotizing about them. They grab your attention like a naked person would. You just can't stop playing/looking. What is that? They are also a practice in over indulgence and superficiality. Grand Theft Auto? All the games by the rap artists? Fantasy games?

Finally, concerning video games, there is an obvious trend of guys loving them, and girls just not getting it. Granted there are a few girls and guys who bend from the norm, but I'm not talking about them. Why is it that guys are so drawn to them? Why am I? Let's take a look, here's what I've noticed?

1. Guys who are addicted to sports games (me) usually have some sporting failure, or unfulfilled need in his involvement in the past or presenct with some kind of sport.

2. It's usually weak, nerdy, pushover, timid, meek guys who love the shooter games and fantasy games. Granted all guys usually like them, myself included, but the obsessive ones are the afore mentioned ones.

3. The only video game I've ever seen girls really like and enjoy, without having guy friends that enjoyed them first are those stinkin dance/disco video games.

Conclusion: Video games are a perverted substitution for the real thing. Pushovers can finally lash out and destroy all who annoy. Old athletes, normal joes, and failed athletes may finally achieve that athletic god-like status and infamy of sports icons. The do gooder can finally steal a car pick up a prostitute and go on a cop killing rampage. Women can finally dance and operated how rap video's say they should. Basicly it creates a world of absolute control in which a man can overcome his weakness and rule his neighbors. Or would it be easier to say where man can rule, be great, conquer, take, achieve, command, fight, and be brave. It's a filler for the things most guys want but lack, and are told by the world that to be a man one must have. Video games are huge with youth groups, why? because "churches" today breed such a confusing, vague, weak image of a MAN, that video games serve as an arena in which little boys can act the man. In church girls are mainly fed the message "you are enough just the way God made you", guys get the "you were made to lead, be in charge, and set the example". I think that is why guys like the video games and girls just don't care that much. Video game play to a falling short attitude that society is constantly throwing in their faces. I also think that's whay girls follow the models, actesses, and female pop stars so closely; could be wrong about that though. I hate video games, but like all other temptation, my flesh yearns for them.

Television: television is the modern day arena to the coliseum. And like caesar it is used to rule. Most people base their political, fashion, artistic, religious, historical, and moral opinions on what is on TV.

It's scary how much the TV programming mirrors american culture. Get as much as you can out of the time your have. We have hundreds and hundreds of channels, and TV's that cater to watching more than one at a time and can record what your missing on top of that. There are channels for every interest immaginable. More than that, it's beautiful. When was the last time one saw and ugly person, background, or overall picture display on television. That's it's captivating power. Constant stimulation. A big shiny object. Sure you can watch the history channel and try to feel good about it, but even those programs are made to sell. There is even a channel that reports what is on your TV. I hate TV too.

Video games and TV are disgusting because to me they represent a sort of second hand disgusting reality. TV and video games mainly project what humanity would make of the world if given the opportunity. I feeds the soul the desires whispered to it by one's flesh. My friends I think most people look at TV's and video games much like Adam and Eve saw that apple. Looks cool, represents something we're not made for, something that should not be, and leaves us unfulfilled.

I'm sorry for the somber attitude, but like I said I've been in front of the TV all day, staring at the apple, and spoon fed the wants of the flesh and the whole time knowing that they aren't real, and wanting them anyway.

If you don't understand the title you need to watch Gladiator again.

Initiative thoughts

So I thought of something the other day while I was reading for my environmental sociology class. These thoughts are not finished yet so don't be disappointed at there basic natures.

Environmental studies are going through somewhat of a pubescent stage. Currently a paradigm shift is taking place concerning the ways humanity has come to view it's relationship with the natural environment. Most have come to view the environment in ways that the romantics have instructed us. Something vastly different and untamed from our own places on the earth. Humans are not exactly at home in nature, we belong in groups of humans and in the dwellings we have come to know throughout history. At the same time we can not do without nature. We get our food from nature, all of our resources for that matter, and nature is one of the most sought after arenas of relaxation and play (parks, skiing, lakes, hiking, climbing, hunting, etc...). So we need it but we are in a way estranged from it. Views as such have led to nature being looked upon as frontier that must be explored and conquered, adventure ridden, and dangerous. Ultimately we have separated ourselves from it to such an extent that we view nature as something other than ourselves.

These views have led to many of our resource and environmental problems that we face today. There are many reasons why and many ways in how we have done it. Some of which are the romantics, urbanization, industrialism, and consumerism. The shift that is taking place is an epiphany of our true places within the natural world, that being an actual member of the natural world and no less so than lions, and tigers, and bears, OH MY. Some of us eat fish, but instead of getting it from the river like the noble bear we buy it at a restaurant or at the supermarket. We are never really allowed to see the impact on the natural world or our involvement in it. These thoughts could go on and on and on, but I'm gonna stop here because what I really want to talk about is the church. There are similarities here that I find interesting.

First of all Church has been viewed for a long time now as something we go to, or participate in. I go on sudays, I can have fun there, and I get stuff I need there. The church in this view, like nature, becomes something otherly. It becomes a place, or an avenue, or an ends to a means, a supplier. However according to the bible, we are the church, we can't leave it, the body, anymore than my finger could one day decide to leave my hand. I think the most startling parallel I noticed was that this view of church also comes from having so much stuff in between. For fish we have fisherman, packing companies, shipping companies, inspection companies, restaurants and supermarkets. Now we have sanctuaries, and seminaries, and specific days, and policies, and payments to be maid, and doctrines, and an appropriateness of order and place in ones participation.

I'm not saying it's bad to go to sunday moring service anymore than it is to go to the HEB and get some salmon to throw on the grill. I am saying though that to be good stewards of the environment you have to appreciate the reality of your place in it and the impact you can have on it. I feel the same way for the body.

Lastly there is a greatness in being in the "wild" that many therapeutic firms, correctional programs, and ministries have begun to notice. They bring people out into the wilderness to get some perspective. I know I've been apart of it, and there is an undeniable power to felt by being out in the open, being exposed to elements and subject to forces that you have little control over. Likewise with the body. I've started going to sunday morning service again, albeit a...interesting one, but there is no substitution for the one on one time with my brothers and sisters and especially with the father. You just can't beat the real thing.

Fours

Yes, after weeks of reading other people's 4's I've been tagged! whooooo-h000000. . . i'm not really that excited but here goes . . .

4 jobs i've had that won't go back to

1.Sweet Eugene's-bad pay, bad hours, annoying christian culture junkies and the local witch craft group.
2.Foot Locker-great pay, buuuut...no
3.Young Life Student Staff-got paid by asking people to send money to YL, they took a cut and I didn't really get anything???
4. Black Market Body Parts Smuggler-no comment

4 movies i've watched on repeat

1.Crash

2.Rounders
3.Gladiator
4.Last of the Mohicans

4 TV shows

1.Best Damn Sports Show Ever
2.Family Guy
3.X-men and batman cartoons
4.Scrubs

Oh yeah in yo4ur face Mol Jr...I mean3 Lost...dang it!!

4 Vacation's I'd like

1. Assend Everest
2.Safari the entire continent of Africa
3.A years stay in the white house
4.Virgin Islands

4 websites besides blogs i visit daily

1.Major League Baseball.com
2.anything Google
3.Aggieland Federal Credit Union
4.facebook

Lust Worthy Foods
1. Whataburger
2.Odwalla Superfood
3.Carne Guizada from Los Nortenos
4.beer

Changes to my house

1.floor length side by side urinals
2.computer from startrek to tell me everthing
3.time warp so that no time passes outside when i'm inside
4.my own rockwall

4 beers and people i would drink them with

1. Ziegen Bock-the green girl from the C.S Lewis book Perelandra
2. Dos Equis Amber-Kate Beckinsale
3. Shiner Bock-Job from the book of Job
4. Kegs of all three-all the guys who expected their names to be on this list

4 things that should have been lists

1. top 4 dream jobs
2. top 4 things to do with 4 legal pardons
3. top 4 country's to own
4. top four reasons why texas should become it's own country

4 tags

i don't really know many other people with blogs so if you want to go ahead and get crazy with it, but let me know so i can look

Hey guys...its a...poem

Alright, now everyone has permission to poke fun, as long as your honest, I usually don't write poems and I would definitely never think to publish it. But the very idea of publishing a poem that I had written made me scared, and I hate being dictated be fear. I'll be a little embarrassed if it sucks, but at least I didn't not do it our of fear.

I’ve been walking for years now

Down streets of pious contention

The stress is killing my spitits

I can’t seem to nail down the truth

These streets are violent and jaded

Neath rivers with currents of cups

That shine on the edges on midnight lamps

Then taint and dry all their contents up

I will retreat to the city walls

It’s this city’s first line of defense

Against the advances of wild kingdom

And all that doesn’t make sense

Or stand in line with the doctrine

That’s as varied as the cobble stone streets

They keep us safe from each other

And from the dangers of walking alone

I had been sitting up so high then

Trying to stand on my own

Moving as the wind would please

I started to rattle the stones

All the rulers of city

Then Gathered in force at the wall

They found me shaking with pleasure

It was then that I started to fall

I’ve been walking now for hours

On the wrong side of the city wall

I fell from one of the towers

How I fell I just won’t recall

Out here the wind blows harder

And the elements have taken hold

But I feel no need for shelter

I somehow know that I’m at home

This man he came and woke me

With whispers and gentle hands

He teaches to live in the wilderness

He teaches to conquer the lands

I’ve been walking for years now

Outside those city walls

We wait at the gates every morning

Looking for those who don’t need the fall

In the evening we search the wilderness

For those who are lost we sing and call

Of the attraction, and peace, and tenderness

Of the man who dragged me down off the wall

Sometimes he walks the walls with me

We poke fun at the absurdity

But all the while we’er yearning

For just one more who would fall free

My Wisdom is Gone, But My Face is Fine

For all you how were concerned the operation went better than expected. There were a few plusses going into the operation. Firts of all they oral surgeons were not going to have to slice my jaw open and chop up my teeth into little pieces just to get them out. Secondly I had the great privelage of having my first IV.

I went in at 10:30 in the AM. By 10:40 I was prepped and being guided into the operating room. I was rather surprised though at how many nurses there were. I followed one nurse into the operatin room, and then nine nurses followed me in. I was going to make some silly remark about how the ladies always follow, but I thought why upset the people who are going to have me strapped in a chair and unconcious for as long as they please, and with drills and stuff. So I hopped in the chair...they took the blood pressure, which was shockingly low...then the surgeon came in, also a lady, and got the IV ready. The last coherent memory I have is of one nurse hitting my left arm while the surgeon put the IV in. I looked at the nurse quizzicaly and she said "this is to distract you". Of course then I looked over just in time to see the IV go in. Needles don't bother me so I didn't care. Me last thoughts though were "i wonder if that hitting the other arm thing works on people with IQ's higher than 50. I doubt it would even work on my dog. Hmmm, wonder what the IV's gonna feel like when it starts to kick in".

Then I woke up at home. My mom was waking me to take my first dose of hydro-whatever. I was shocked and awed. Between passin out and waking at home I vaguely remember the nurses telling me that they were lifting my feet up for the wheel chair foot rests, why they were telling I don't know, maybe I asked. I also remember hearing them talk to to my mom as they put me in the car. What I remember most clearly is responding to some question from my mom with "it was so great, better than expected". Then I woke up at home. Those three memories weren't even real memories. I could only hear and feel certain things, couldn't see a thing.

In short the IV was wonderful, I didn't even get groggy. Next thing I know I'm at home sippin on gatorade and knocking back some hydro-whatevers. My jaw didn't even hurt post-op. They ached a little when I stopped poppin pain killers, but even now they already have that itchy-achey-jaw feeling that almost feels good.

Getting my wisdoms pulled this time (uppers) was worlds better than last time (lowers). I'm out $250 for the whole thing, but i'd pay that much for the IV alone. I applaude the entire staff involved, all of them, how ever many there were. I do wish I had had a friend there to film the whole thing, I think the film would have been really funny. I especially wish I had footage of the transfer from table to wheel chair. Maybe that's why there were so many nurses. I bet one of them copped a feel.

Anyway that's my story. Give a shout out to my friends abroad. Tim-ee-oh-ho! Wookie! and Nando! Peace brother travel safely.

my own funeral

Following my good friend mark's example I will now lay out my own funeral plans.

most important is that I want my body to be strapped to a giant cross shaped rocket. The cross shaped rocket, or the SSS Felix (Solar Sword of Salvation), will by lined with billion candle strobe lights. Within a week after I pass I will be strapped to the SSS Felix and shot into space. Not too far into space, just far enough to stay in orbit for a couple generations of Felix's. Also close enough so that after a couple generations the earth's gravity sucks me back in and I finally go out as a meteor.

This way I can orbit the earth a giant blinking cross. My relatives can just tell the young kids "see grandpa's not dead his on a mission trip to final frontier". I may even get some sort of crazy adventist psycho hippies to predict Armageddon according to my re-entry date.

If I have any money left it's to go into a fund to create brewing company that brews great beer and prints gospel tracts on all of it's labels.

that's all I come up with so far, but I think I have plenty more time to think on it. hope everyone caught the sarcasm.

Regurgitating Mummies

As much as I love this country, I think I may realized one of it's many faults tonight and it makes me sad. The discovery first began while reading someone's blog about their ADHD nephew and the ensuing prose about unfit parents. Then, earlier tonight I was playing poker with some pagans I recently met. Two of them took a smoke break, leaving me with one I shall refer to as Cobb. Not his real name of course, I didn't receive permission to publish the intimates of our brief discussion, so the least I can do is not put is name on anything I say.

Cobb had mentioned earlier in the game the reasoning behind him smoking weed. He said it slows his mind down to a speed that is productive. He said "my brain just moves to fast and I can't focus". He thought this a fault of his and something that needed to be fixed. I think the fault lies in the hands of our society as a whole.

So during the smoke break, while the two of us were alone, I, being intrigued earlier, probed a little further. He told me that he started smoking in high school mainly out of boredom. He hated school because it was too slow and the only way to stay focused was to smoke weed. He explained that after a smoke he had the focus to read what he needed to. He explained that his main distraction was all the questions he had. Always questions swarming around in his head, one always leading to another. One answer always leading to yet more questions. Yet he needed to push those interests aside to make room for school work. I asked why he didn't just ask the questions. He responded that he came from "small town Texas", and all those questions would have gotten him in trouble. Never found out the specifics of the questions so I can't say one way or the other.

So then I asked what is it that you think about. He said "mainly life, and people. I love to watch people and think about why they do what they do. Sitting and watching people is my favorite. I watch people and laugh all day long." My first thought was "wow that's what I think about". We then agreed that we made ourselves laugh much more than another people ever have. I realized our brains were very similar.

So changing once again I asked "so how do you do in college? Do you think you'd do better without smoking weed now that your not at your slow high school?" He said he didn't think so, but there was no way to be sure because he hadn't really tried it. By this time I made some conclusive assumptions. The guy was pretty intelligent. Besides for making good grades he showed a great capacity to think things through in a logical sense. He also showed a capacity to take one lesson or idea and use it to learn about other things.

Then I thought about all the really smart people I knew. Smart in as many ways as I could think of. Mainly some kind mental prowess that gave them an upper hand in some area of life. Most of them did drugs and complained of things moving too slow and being bored with education. Despite all the intelligentsia that came to mind I thought "maybe they all have wrong". I think this society is moving too fast.

Cobb complained of having no time to follow his own thoughts. Even on topics brought up at school, they were always giving the surface info and then moving on. There is no time for people with the capacity to think on a greater number of levels than the average person to really explore those depths. Everything about the majority of our culture is about quick flashing attractions that don't give you enough time to think things through. What are video games and most television program but quick bursts of color, sound, and movement laced with tiny bits of information someone is hoping will entertain in order to get a buck. The idea of more has impressed itself on our society with greater weight than the idea of better. Most companies succeed on service speed or things that allow us more time in the day to do more things. Consider this, I can't say hi to most people on campus because they're plugged into an i-pod. It's not good enough just to walk somewhere. It's more productive to listen to music and walk somewhere. Cell phones are the same way. Cell phones combined with i-pods. No lie the other day I received from me deceased grandfather an TV-Radio-CD-MP3 player with a compass, thermometer, and flashlight all in one.

I think our society is moving too fast for the slow, methodical, birth of ingenuity. Before we had all these entertaining distractions America led the way in innovation. Now we're viewed as the lazy rich slobs of the world, and so we are. Regurgitating Mummies hypnotised by flashing lights are clever commercial ditties are the target market for every interest: education, entertainment, art, business.

STARBUCKS!!! Somehow I know starbucks is involved here but its to light and I've been typing too long to put in the effort.

I do a trend though. How many of our greatest artists have led depressing suicidal lives? Why do so many of our greatest minds end up in the drink or narcotics? To slow things down, to rest. I didn't get to speak at all about the Lord in this but there is definitely a lot there. There's much of my thought left out in this, but then again I'm not heavily trained in retaining my thoughts for any long length of time. If I don't regurgitate them soon enough they start to fade. OH NO!!! THEY GOT ME!!! They got me. they got...

ps-i'm not meaning to identify myself as a genius

not sure bout this one

My holidays have been pretty good so far. I had a lovely day with my mom’s side of the family in Houston on Christmas Eve. Then I went to Austin to stay with my dad’s side of the family for Christmas Day. Both were good times. I got some money and loved being around my family.

I went to church service on Christmas Eve with my dad. I hadn’t been in so long I was a little overwhelmed. Of course all of the usual red flags exploded in my head when I saw all the advertising and programming and the…all the other stuff that bugs me about church. But mostly I was thankful to be sitting next to my dad and praising the Lord. That is such a rare occasion for me, and I loved it. Also, during the song “O, Come Let Us Adore Him” the Lord showed up and just smiled at us. I think all the heavens were looking to. There was a line in the song that commanded the heavens to praise him. The heavens noticed, and I was thankful.

Now I’m back, and just working. I work with the same guy everyday, Eric. He’s a cool guy. I enjoy his company and my job so no complaints there. Today we both fell asleep behind the climbing wall desk.

I also had an old friend contact me. I very much hope to see her, but don’t know if it will happen…

Alright, I’m a little frustrated right now because I feel like the Lord isn’t doing anything. But, what should I expect? I don’t know, but I have this evil, perverted work ethic that leaves me feeling worthless in the times when I’m not doing much. I keep reminding myself that the Lord loves me even when doing nothing. I guess I still have some wrong views about the Lord’s love. Unconditional does not match the description I seem to hold of the Lord’s love.

I wish that computers had a shouting function, so that when people read what I write they’ll know when I was shouting at my own computer as I typed, like in paragraph 5.

I’ll leave with this, I had a great Christmas and hope everyone else did too.

Anthropomorphic Kong

I just saw King Kong. Let me first say, “Wow”, what a movie going experience. It’s definitely a movie worth seeing in the theatre. The visual and sound effects are top-notch first-rate stunning. The movie was also a great deal more emotionally charged than the other two. While I’ve only seen the original, I can only imagine the one from the seventies being…shall I say…not as good. Anyone may correct me if I’m wrong.

What struck me though about the movie was how much humanity Kong had in him. First of all his relationship with the woman, Ann, was very much like what mogely, from the jungle book, had with Kate. The recognition of beauty was only the shallowest trait. Kong showed grace, sense of humor, compassion, favor, love, and a great deal of cognitive reasoning.

Then I think the Lord started unfolding some stuff for me right there on the silver screen. I started thinking of all the other lovable movie characters that we love so much: Old Yeller, Seabisquit, Lassie, Milo and Otis, all of the pixar animals, the Shrek animals, and all of the lovable horses that cowboys always have. I thought of this and how much we cry when any harm should come to these animals. We also seem to excuse any harm they should do to humans throughout the movie. WHY IS THAT!!

Well stick with me.

During creation God made humans and then there was everything else. There was a distinct difference between us and them. We were made in God’s image, and He gave us dominion over all of the earth. I’ve always wondered what it means to be “made” and then to be “made in God’s image”. We obviously have something animals don’t. Some would say that animals don’t have a soul, which inadvertently leads some to believe that animals aren’t saved by Jesus. I think animals do have souls and they still aren’t saved by Jesus. I don’t think animals go to hell though.

Animals I think have souls, maybe not to the same capacity as humans albeit but souls none the less. I do not recall animals ever being breathed on by the Lord, as Man was, in the beginning. I think we may have gotten something a little extra in that breathing on stuff, specifically we got the image of God. Therein lies the difference and why Jesus does not save animals. Jesus cleansed our spirits, breathed new life into our dead spirits. Animals were never breathed on in the first place.

I think animals have a soul because I’ve seen the affects of a soul in animals I’ve known. They show the capacity for fear, love, mercy, grace, confidence, shame, some cognition, worry, depression, excitement, a will of their own, and care. All of these come from our souls I think. By soul I mean mind, heart, and will.

So Kong had a soul, but what makes him more than an animal? Well he should a sense of humor for one thing, and while animals may enjoy something that is different than having a sense of humor. Kong also showed an immediate change in behavior towards humans, by suddenly caring for the girl uncharacteristic of wild animals. He also enjoyed a sunset and showed a sense of sentimentallity.

So what makes us yearn for the well being of these cinematic animals and excuse any amount of killing? When the directors and producers of Kong, and every other Hollywood animal character, apply that extra humanity to animals I believe we get some kind of glimpse of the way we were in the garden. You start to see a mix of the soul and that extra image of God stuff without the fall of man. These characters are seen in the light of absolute innocence, almost like a child but with out the selfish conceit that we all see in every child. That part of children which is selfish and conceited is the seed of the sin that is born in us, which is absolutely nonexistent in Kong. Kong shows absolute selflessness and abandon when he starts to protect Ann. That innocence is also why we excuse all of Kong’s killings. Even when Kong was killing innocent people in New York, we were all still rooting for Kong. After all, what human isn’t guilty?

Here’s what strikes me as ironic.

Why don’t we feel this ways towards the Lord? Well the Lord kills people every day, and he promised us that He works everything for the good of those who love God right. Well Kong worked everything for the good of her who loved him, who he loved first. All of Kong’s destruction and killing was aimed at one thing, saving Ann. So is God’s towards us, so why do we sometimes question Him and scoff at the “world we live in”.

Basically we sometimes feel like we’re being thrown aside by Kong because we’re not the one He loves, or maybe He doesn’t see that we love him. Really we are just being thrown around as the Lord works for us, much like Ann was when Kong battled…everyone.

Also by cheering for the animals on screen we are rooting, in a strange sense, against ourselves. It’s always the faults of humanity that we find our beloved animal characters fighting against.

I’m not sure what else to say, I hope there are comments.

inspiration

being really bored for the holidays, i'm desperate for inspiration. so far i have found one inspiring nugget of prose, it's bout hoiday brews. I've never really experimented with holiday brews but it is the holidays and i am bored. i will assure you though that i will not mix my previous boredom antidote, self inflicted haircuts, and my new inspiration. usually there is always some sort of accompanying action to one's boredom induced reliefs though, so...i will also try to exercise deep consideration of my actions as well as holiday brew tasting. although i must say, being inspired to the brew and participating in the fruits of the brew often brews inspiration itself. let us hope for the best.

hello there world

the american church

so the past week i've run into many, many allusions to the changing church, or the the revolution of the church. I don't get it. To me the "church" as many people see it around here is strictly an american phenomina. The american church reflects our society with such a scary resemblance we may want to question the spiritual mail man who often drops things in my mail box from the many chuches i've visited. I must admit that the "wooing" has recently stopped. My "ministry" young life, not too long ago, deministered me, and the "churches" no longer receive my business.

But the "church" often pursued me the same way american eagle did when i filled out their visitor card. Express, Fox and Hound, REI, and Chase bank of america often do the same thing too. The flyers I received were basiclly advertisements for the services, musical guests, clubs, and guest speakers that were scheduled to come. The flyers were brightly colored and often had news paper style headlines. What was even scarrier was how much the youth group sections looked like MTV and VH1 commercials. The actual youth groups looked much like MTV's TRL hour with Carson Daily. The kids sit around and cheer for a colorful personality who often introduced musical guests. TRL at least gets the kids to sing along which is more than can be said than some of the youth groups i've seen.
Young LIfe meetings often looked like a MTV episode themselves: quick changing programs targeted at entertaining and keeping attention long enough to slip in some subliminal messaging (the gospel). Strange thing is that the church stole the ministries marketing strategy so now only hip youth groups kids started going to young life. Young Life has always said "hey we're not the church". The irony is that by young life screaming we're not the church, they became what church is. Many churches now don'e look like churches and they're proud of it.

Now the big craze is that we need to look even less like the "church". Maybe this is the actual body shedding some of the vintage clothes that we've dressed it in and trying to get some healthy nakedness so it can take a good look at itself. Or maybe its just a clever marketing strategy following siute behind some of the newer companies in america. To market successfully no one must know that you're marketing right?

Further evidence, I think, is the reception of the american church by the rest of the world. Many missionaries abroad, supposedly, have a hard time because those foreign pagans just don't get excited about home groups. They think it's too american. I'd say we're in trouble if what others see the "church" so much of america attends as so american that they throw it in the same pile with all the other "american crap" they don't want infesting their own cultures. I don't know maybe i'm off. It should be noted that this was written late at night and with a stream of thought styling. hope however reads is provoked.

hey buuuuuuuuddy

hey man,

just wanted to let you know that you are still greatly loved here and missed. I really hope you're still writing music, i miss your songs. really want to know how things are going, and how the heck you're managing to teach koreans english. so respond.

felix