Immediate Post Pary

To those who doubt and question, and to that one dream who doesn’t know me yet,

(I deleted the previous paragraph or so in consideration of others personal feelings, but the rest is pure venting, enjoy)

... yet I couldn’t cast him aside. Little did I know it but the Lord was teaching me about love. I didn’t know how to love at the time, at least not well. That’s why I was tired all of the time. Somehow I had to let go. I couldn’t explain to you how that happened. I can only say that the impossible with man is possible with the Lord.

For instance, tonight I went to a party where most of the people were gay. Two years ago I couldn’t have stepped into a building with one gay person without feeling this overwhelming responsibility to show them the “ever-changing power of Christ”. The love that overcomes all. How would I have shown them? Instead I drank some and realized that often these people are no more messed up than I am. I just live in a society that accepts my faults as common and natural. Lust, sure every guy deals with it. Pride, well that’s not so bad if it’s for the right things. Secrecy, hey everyone’s got to have a private life right? No, I don’t think so.

Instead I spent most of my tipsy time talking with a human wallowing in the guilt and despair of our faults. You see I live in a town full of pharisees. They’d never tell you as much, but a pharisee never would. Of course I’m humble and holy and all that, I’m a christian after all. Shut, I’m in charge of a ministry. How often did I whisper those words to myself. And, oh, how they came crashing down. I knew this person, wallowing, the moment I saw her. Maybe a year ago. I saw her as well as I see myself in hindsight. Very clearly. As well as I see you sometimes.

This person was wracked with guilt over having been drunk and I’m sure a number of things. I was so relieved though because deep down they knew that their guilt in wrong. Because Jesus saved us from our guilt, of any guilt we should ever have. How foolish it is for any christian to ever feel guilty. Regret, hits us all, and rightfully so most times. But guilt, no, Jesus took care of that. Guilt is a waste of time.

This person had never heard that before. Despite the christian upbringing, despite the many bible studies and high regard, they still felt guilty. I look at them and only see myself. How often I fall...no JUMP into the pits of despair because of something I did or did not do. Something Jesus died for already, sin or not. What an insult for me to try and take on guilt that only Jesus could. That really does need forgiveness.

So this is to you.

You who are highly regarded and don’t know it. You who are beautiful and respected. You who have a great boyfriend/girlfriend. That great relationship that everyone envys. You who are in charge of the ministry and placed over people. You who have changed people’s lives in genuinely powerful ways and then looked back and thought “no...that really had nothing to do with me because I am a nobody. I am only a lowly servant who only WISHES to change peoples lives. Who wishes for more than anything to be seen as I truly am so that I could no longer have what I think I am not worthy of. That, being other peoples regard and respect. If other people could really see me as I am, I think they would loathe me and cast me out. I’m sure of it.”

Then one day I let someone see the best part of me. A part that was so good, and holy, and from the Lord that I didn’t want to show anyone in case of jealousy or envy. Something so purely from the Lord that I felt embarrassed at Him having given it to me. It wasn’t until I showed someone this beautiful part of me that I was ever genuinely cast out. Then I knew abandonment. Then I tasted what it was like to have loved ones turn there backs on you. But I also found out for the first time what it was to have loved ones stand by despite what anyone else said. That...that was great...and a blessing beyond anything I have ever received, ever.

Some people who knew me then have seen me now and said, “yeah, he got a little weird.” So I am. I readily admit that I don things sometimes that don’t make any sense. Things that to a normal person scream, “psycho” or at least “too unconventional for my blood”.

I don’t care that’s what the pharisee screamed about Jesus. That’s what I screamed about him before I knew Him. Well now I piss on most of what I used to debate and stand up for. The only thing I ever want to stand with is the only thing that made a difference to that confused person tonight at that party. The unconditional love and overpowering grace of Jesus Christ. That’s it, to hell with the rest of it.

P.S. I’m still a little tipsy so pardon any grammatical errors. I thought that my genuine nature at this moment is more important than a grammatically sound post I could come up with later. I also wanted to forgo trying to reinvent what I felt the night before, tomorrow morning. At this point I'd rather deal with the consequences of a mistake than publish a "pretty" version of my thoughts tonight.

Obnoxious Manuel

The tinkling bell that announces visitors to such places was taking it easy on this particular day. On occasion it would admit a paying customer to the sunny diner, mainly locals with a slow morning to enjoy and a few thoughts to chew on. The dust motes and quiet clinking of the breakfast plates offers a soothing soundtrack to such times. Sitting at the left end of the bar already is a youngish man whose fame is unquestionable to his self and he is sure most other people. Obnoxious Manuel is a tall man with a strong face and slow eyes that burn with the deceptive and lackluster shine of the hottest coals at the bottom of a fire pit. This morning he is passionately and importantly explaining to his faithful waitress the importance of his initial cup of coffee.

“It must be right. Nothing less than the appropriate cup will do. Not for the first cup of the day.” Flippantly motioning toward his smoking cup of coffee he adopts a hopeless smirk and continues his instruction. “And this, my faithful barmaid, is inappropriate. You certainly, being a bar lass, understand that the first cup of coffee is really the only cup of coffee...”.

The waitress, familiar with his lectures, cautiously keeps her eyes from rolling, and nods along with Obnoxious Manuel’s now monotonously righteous lecturing. Interjecting at random, “is there anything else I can get you Mr. Manuel?”

Feigning emotional injury Obnoxious Manuel cringed and loudly whispered, “I did not interrupt you while you were taking my order did I?! I let you do your job yes?! I don’t cat call you while you peruse your paying gentlemen and ask them if they need their cups filled?! So please return the favor and let me do my job.”

Unable to help restrain her rolling eyes the waitress cut in, “Mr. Manuel Sonny’s diner is not a brothel and I am no winch. Do you want another cup of coffee or not? It’s going to be from the same pot as the first one.”

His emotional anguish now forgotten, Obnoxious Manuel looks for sympathy from his companion, Dancer Douglass, sitting on the stool to his right. Quietly enjoying the shining dust particles dancing on the hot air rising from his cup of coffee Dancer casually remarks “We all make choices”.

Receiving no help from his friend Obnoxious Manuel again turns toward the waitress ready to educate her on the delicacies of the morning’s first cup of coffee only to find a new cup of coffee between his elbows. His consternation is broken by the subtle introduction by the door bell of two gentlemen dressed to kill or baptize.

Mr. Phillips and Mr. Stanley take the booth to the left end of the bar in plain view of Obnoxious Manuel. Once the waitress leaves they both take up their coffees and regard each other with reluctant malice. Both older gentlemen, but they could hardly be more different in mind, soul, or body.

Mr. Phillips is a short older man with an oversized lower body. His cheese log legs and round belly are topped off with polio arms, narrow shoulders and a thin pointy head. Mr. Phillips is an immensely popular preacher at an emergent church a few hours west of the little train-car diner. He was a walking testament to the power of love and the unwavering love of his God.

Across the table sat Mr. Stanley, a man forever and irreversibly changed by the power and faithfulness of his God. He is also a successful preacher, his congregation being a few hours east of the diner. He was a tall man with pole shaped limbs and a slender neck heroically supporting an enormous head which is tragically losing its cover.

Mr. Phillips swallows his coffee first and is first to speak. He spoke with a slow soft central Texas accent.

“I appreciate you taking the time to meet with me. Let me first say that I recognize and appreciate your ministry. Certainly the Lord has used you and your heart his for the people of your congregation. I understand that the Lord has delivered you of some incredible trials. He has obviously healed you and brought you to a great understanding of His power in that regard. However I am very bothered with your heart towards some struggling christians. The people you’ve work with are obviously in need of the Lord, and they are certainly in need of His healing and power. More than that though, I believe they need His love. It’s His love which He came to show us. It’s His love which Christ preaches. It’s His love that forever changes us and drives us closer to Himself. The ever passionate and faithful love of the Father for His children, a love too powerful to be held back by the presence of homosexual tendencies or other sexual deviancies within any particular person. What your congregation needs to hear more than anything is about that love. And they absolutely need His healing, but they don’t need to hear another person telling them to change their ways. Certainly the Lord wants them to changes their ways but it has to be the Lord who changes them. You know that you yourself can’t change them, and that none of us really are able to change ourselves into anything truly good on our own. And you say yourself that only God had the power to bring you out of your sins and that you were helpless against them. Until the Father changes his children they are to love and be loved. I only say this because I think that your ministry, though obviously doing well, could really grow in a godly way by emphasizing more the love of the Father, as opposed to only preaching change.”

Mr. Stanley had patiently waited through Mr. Phillips comments, silently proud at having out waited the man and at now getting the chance to possibly get the last word. He took a minute to give the impression of really pondering what Mr. Phillips had just said to him. After a thoughtful nod he began in his strong south east Texas accent, “Well, I certainly appreciate your honesty Mr. Phillips, and I want you to know that I have the utmost respect for you and your ministry. I have heard great things from a number of people about you personally and have never heard a cross comment about you.” Mr. Stanley silently congratulated himself on having out complimented his adversary. He also found some comfort in giving himself the credit for having a better speaking voice and vocabulary.

“The love of Jesus is absolutely the greatest love the world has ever scene. And I don’t doubt for a minute that it’s what drives us to want to change. But wanting to change and actually pursuing that change are two different animals. The bleeding woman would have never been healed had she not braved the crowds how despised her and reached to grab Jesus’s robe. Zacheus was blessed because he called out above the crowd, and the boy lowered down on the mat through the roof was placed at the feet of Jesus because they climbed on top of a house and tore a whole in the roof for their friend. When these people reached out and called out Jesus loved them already, but it was their determination to be changed by Him that ultimately led to their deliverance or healing.” Feeling the power of the argument he was laying down Mr. Stanley pressed on to his own thoughts of Mr Phillips.

“And honestly I think that you are ultimately hindering your own congregation by not encouraging them and pressing them on to the changing power of the Lord. They absolutely need to be loved, but that’s not all the Lord promised us. He also promised us healing, the gifts of the Spirit, and crowns in heaven for our sacrifices.”

Becoming patiently pissed off Mr. Phillips jumped in at a pause by Mr Stanley, his hands held up innocently but his soft spoken accent taking on a crisp edge id lacked earlier.

“Mr. Stanley that sounds awful close to being performance oriented and furthermore it absolutely is the Love of Christ that should be...”

At Mr. Phillips interruption Mr. Stanley’s pride instantly bristled and brought his preaching finger to a point at Mr Phillips face and furrowed his brows. He started to speak, “Mr Phillips I can’t believe...”

“Oh, hush both of you!”

Simultaneously startled the well dressed preachers both turned from their coffee to face an agitated Obnoxious Manuel. Forgetting his all important first cup, Mr Manuel had swiveled his bar stool to his left ant was now perched comfortably for is own speech.

“Gentlemen, allow me the great pleasure to introduce you to one another.”

Both men began to defensively and confusingly explain that they new the other, but Mr Manuel was past the point of allowing either one of them a chance to say anything more. Gesturing for Mr Phillips to look at Mr. Stanely he began, “Screwdriver it is my unwanted duty to introduce you to Hammer.”

Making the same gestures to Mr Stanley he continued, “And Hammer this is Screwdriver.”

At this point both older gentlemen were quite confused and speechless.

“Both of you are absolute tools.”

This remark dropped both preachers’ jaws and they tensed with anger. Mr Manuel allowed them no time to impede his discourse.

“You see tools have no intrinsic value, which is quite obvious with the both of you. Without a hand to use the tool, and an objective to use them for, they are utterly useless. Both of you are such creatures. In fact we all are such creatures, as far as usefulness goes. It is true that we are loved and appreciated despite a lack of need for us. However, I’ve just labored through both of your opening speeches to what was bound to be an epic battle of sound theology and bullshit, and I can assure that both of you are tools arguing over who is better for the job. What nether one of you realizes is that you’re not the same tools.”

Mr. Manuel feigned shock and surprise at his own observation and paused a minute for the heavy truth to set in.

“You sir are not able or meant to do what he does and visa versa. How silly would a man be to use a hammer on screws or a screwdriver on nails? My goodness we got ahead of ourselves, didn’t we? Each of you thinking the other should work as you do. Now I don’t want to hear anymore of the hammer telling the screwdriver how he should work with nails, or the screwdriver telling the hammer to work with screws. Your tools after all and it’s high time you start behaving like it. You’re not builders, or architects. Neither one of you is a grand engineer high and mighty to speak of how others should operate. These are things that tools, like yourselves, should never attempt.”

Supremely satisfied with his lesson Obnoxious Manuel ordered his coffee to go and made his way to the car with Dancer Douglass smirking close behind him.

Spuirrel Sex

Today I had a lovely lunch with a dear friend of mine. We had great conversation and a healthy repose from our academic endeavors. It was on our return to campus however that I witnessed an event that both shocked and awed me.

We were about to part ways between the Evans Library and History building when a menacing ruckus errupted in the lofty branches of one of the many post oak trees adorning Texas A&M campus. I looked up to spy two squirrels fighting with a passionate hatred which I had rarely seen exhibited in my human brothers. As I watched I commented "Man they're really going at it." I was starting to get excited about the possibility of one of them being thrown from the branches and falling to its death at our feet. The possibility of such a final and fatal result to an impressive display of passionate dislike was incredibly exciting to me.

Then they shocked me. With stunning quickness one of the squirrels pivotted, circled, and then MOUNTED the other one. The mounting squirrel then released a fury of machine gun pelvic thrusts with such speed and determination that it made my eyes widen and my jaw grow heavy. As soon as it began it was over. The furious fueding began anew.

I was and am still utterly impressed with the sexual experience of the spuirrel. Imagine fighting for your life against the one you want to mate with. Fighting in the lofty branches of your native tree, dangling over your own demise. Then with instinctual timing you strike or succumb (depending on gender). The passion of your fury suddenly turns into the throws of passion while still dangling on the verge of a fall that would leave you terminally on the ground. WOW! That sounds awesome. I applaud you squirrels for the courage it must take to pursue your mating practices. I give the thumbs up to the Lord for His originality and artisitic impression when He endowed the squirrel for procreation.

Reading

I’ve recently ventured into a spiritual book. Previously I had resolved never again to burden my eyes with the religious ramblings of men I didn’t know and of whom I could not appraise their spirituality myself. Thankfully the Lord has overcome my own mental drivel and delivered me to the encouragement of His gospel. I just finished reading a book about the love of the Father for His children. Towards the end of its pages I read this one quote that almost spoke my name aloud.
“Are you as certain of the triumph of good over evil as the fermentation of doe by yeast? Though on a given day you may be more depressed than anything else, is the general orientation of your life toward peace and joy? Are you diminished by other people’s perception of you or your own definition of yourself? Do you possess that touch of folly to transcend doubt, fear, and self-hatred and accept that you are accepted?
If not, you probably belong to the brotherhood of the bedraggled, beat-up, and burnt-out. You may feel like a charred log in a fireplace, totally drained of energy, and unable to light a fire in yourself. Your personal inner resources appear to be exhausted.
Louis Savary describes the brotherhood this way: ‘Their life is full of demands from others. They seem to be living at least three lives; everyone wants a piece of them; they can’t say no yet they have no time to do what they have already said yes to... They cannot seem to find the necessary clarity and information of which to base decisions... they make an investment in relations and get little gratitude, feedback, or even acknowledgment from others...”
The Lord as often exposed to me the reality of my self in such a state. Repeatedly He has brought me to that place. I used to crumble in devastation at my own failure. I have come to embrace though that it is not to be devastated that the Lord brings me to such a place, but only to set me free, to show me that my devastation and failure were part of the bargain all along, and need not be considered. He struck a deal with life on my behalf and delivered me into its ramifications. My Father loved me and paid my rent before I ever returned home, and when he did he shushed my spluttering, fearful explanations and embraced me into his freedom. Many, many times He has baptized me into His peace and freedom only to watch me return to the very land of bondage from which I had fled from, broken and destitute. I long now only to stay at home and enjoy His freedom.

Sunday Sunday Sunday

This past weekend my family gathered for Thanksgiving out at the “farm”, a lovely ranch house that could easily be found in any addition of Southern Living. We celebrated early because that was the only weekend the entire family could get together. My good friend Tim went with me and we had a lovely time and ate more food than a young aggie Christian at a ministry lunch hour “served for the foreign students”. The following Sunday we all celebrated again because one of my younger cousins was being baptized. So, we all went to Central Baptist Church for a Sunday morning service. The service was...ok. the singing was typical choir and full orchestra and the “worship leader” looked like a JCrew Mr Rogers on ecstacy. The sermon went as follows.

The Scripture used: Galatians 4:12-20
12Brethren, I urge you to become like me, for I became like you. You have not injured me at all. 13You know that because of physical infirmity I preached the gospel to you at the first. 14And my trial which was in my flesh you did not despise or reject, but you received me as an angel of God, even as Christ Jesus. 15What then was the blessing you enjoyed? For I bear you witness that, if possible, you would have plucked out your own eyes and given them to me. 16Have I therefore become your enemy because I tell you the truth?
17They zealously court you, but for no good; yes, they want to exclude you, that you may be zealous for them. 18But it is good to be zealous in a good thing always, and not only when I am present with you. 19My little children, for whom I labor in birth again until Christ is formed in you, 20I would like to be present with you now and to change my tone; for I have doubts about you.

The main points were:
1. You need to be careful who you love.
2. You need to be careful about who you let love you.
3. You should never love anyone in such a way as to expect something in return.
4. You should only love someone to see the growth of Christ in them.
5. The zealots who were misleading Paul’s Galatians were similar to today’s cult in that they target the lonely outcasts and trap them with love to get them to do what they want. His example was the crazy guy in Waco and how he tricked everyone, with love, into letting him sleep with their wives.

My family was pretty impressed with the sermon. “He really knows how to bring it” was heard a number of times at the following lunch at On The Border. I...was rather unenchanted. The preacher’s delivery was stellar, emotional and gripping and stirring. His content...pretty cock-a-mimi in my book.

The “cult” Paul is refering to is actually the Hebrews (or Jews to the laymen) and they were sucking the Galatians back into the Law, not some occult practice that was later burned down in Waco Texas.

Mostly though I have no idea what he was talking about when he preached about Love. I thought Christ wanted us to love everyone...even our ENEMIES (shocked gasp and throw up in brown bag). Be careful with who you love? Be careful who you let love you? If some one wants to love me biblically, as it describes in 1 Corinthians 13 then bring it on, I’ll take all you got to give. If someone asked me to sincerely love them as it describes in 1 Cor 13 I would be deeply moved and of course comply the best I could. Should I stop and consider though the nature of the person’s heart? Should I consider his/her motives, when he/she may not realize their own motives? I remember hearing somewhere that Jesus said to love others as He had loved us. To me that means to love them before they love you, maybe even while they hate you, or quite possibly while they love you poorly in return.

In short I disagree Baptist preacher, with all ten fingers and toes I completely disagree.

This brings to mid another topic that has burrowed its way into my bad side. If there are any women or girls who happen to read this; what the heck does it mean to GUARD ONE’s HEART. I don’t get it and I am constantly banging my large head against this cold stony wall. Can someone please explain?

Urban Sprawl

"Politicians have tried to make this a two sided issue, but what matters is not to decipher whether sprawl is good or bad, because it is neither, but to decide how to best accommodate sprawl.”

Felix Landry: educated citizen

Has anyone out there ever quoted themselves in a academic paper or presentation? If you are required to have eight sources and you quote yourself once or twice to reach those eight sources do you really have eight? I think it's a "legitimate strategy in the face of overwhelming circumstances." (Felix Landry, Honey From the Lion 2006)

I Saw it in a Movie

So...I was watching this movie Keeping the Faith, with Ben Stiller, Edward Norton, and Gwynith Paltrow. The plot is quite interesting. Stiller plays a playboy Rabbi, Edward Norton plays a Catholic priest, and Paltrow a successfull workaholic. All of them were childhood friends. Paltrow left for fifteen years working and returned to work in New York and hang out with her rabbi and priest buddies. The movie starts with them picking her up at the airport where they quickly realize that while she was gone she grew up into this incredible bombshell of a lady. Then her and Jake fall in love but keep it secret, while Norton has also secretly fallen in love with her. In short the movie is full of great akward scenes.
There was a scene thought that jumped out at me. Norton, after very poorly confessing his love to the lady, is talking with his mentor priest about almost leaving the priesthood. the priest makes a cute little speech but drops the line that "some choices are not just singular choices that are long lasting. Sometimes a choice amounts to deciding to make the same choice for the rest of your life." He was saying that this applies to being a priest or being married.
Well this may be apparent to some of you but I've never really looked at anything that way. Come to think about it there are probably days in some married couples lives in which they spend the whole day not really being married, maybe even longer. I know that there have been days when I haven't been a good son, or brother, or friend; definitley never a good boyfriend. but I'm still a son, brother, and friend to many people by title. I can choose though to ignore the spirit of being anyone of those things. I've never been a good boyfriend because I've never decided to make decision to be on over and over again. The other decisions have come and gone and come again.
So there is an observation. I liked it so I thought that I would share it.

SUV's...Should They be Penalized?

Currently much of America is complaining about our gas prices. I'm complaining too, because it's alot more expensive now than it used to be. Compared to the rest of the world we're still pretty cheap on the gas, but we're america, we shouldn't have to pay what the rest of the world pays. We, being americans, also have a hideous fetish for waste. SUV's for example comprise the most gas guzzling automobiles on the road. I have an SUV myself. I paid 50 bucks last time I felt my 2000 Nissan Xterra up. I even get good gas mileage, about 22 mpg on the highway. I still end up paying alot for fuel because my gas mileage just isn't that good, and many SUV's are worse. Much is being said about how to solve this problem. Some have said we should decrease the speed limits. Some say we should have better fuel economy regulations on cars, mainly SUV's. I say we do both. I think we should have speed regulations on cars with certain fuel efficiencies. For instance if your car get's fifty miles per gallon, you can go the normative 70 mph that we all enjoy currently. However, if your car only get's fifteen miles per gallon you have to go no faster than fifty five miles per hour. This would conserve fuel, encourage the purchase of fuel efficient cars, encourage the production of more fuel efficient cars, increase city revenues by way of speeding ticket, and slow down those shit for brains machismos with their big ass trucks from running over everyone else on the road. It may also bring a little humility to those, who inspite of the looming oil shortage, insist on buying obnoxiously wasteful mammoth SUV's that are prevalent. Problem solved my friends. Thank you, I'll be here all week ;-).

V for Vendetta

I just saw V for Vendetta. I had heard nothing good about the movie, and me seeing was sort of out of my control. Boy am I glad I saw it. I'm gonna see it again.

The movie was pretty fantastical, and there were a few things about it that made me say "yeah right". But being a former philosophy major I very quickly picked up on the allegorical qualities of the flick. This movie had many things to say about the way society is in america and on a global scale. I'm not saying I agree with all the movie was preaching, and maybe I pulled some things out of it that were incidental. There may also be points that I completely missed. All I'm saying is I spent seven bucks to see it and don't regret it at all. It made me grin with the appreciation that only one thief could have for another that pulled something off very well. I'm pretty good at looking at big pictures, and this movie looks at some big pictures. You don't have to believe me, but I endorse this movie to any who read this.

Come Tou Fount

Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing by Robert Robinson is one of my absolute favorite hymns. I found out the other day that there is a fourth verse to the song that i've never heard anyone sing in any rendition of the song. Below are the lyrics with the added verse. Posted right after Come Thou Fount is another song, written by Robert Robinson, that is written to the same tune as Come That Fount that could be sung in addition. I love the words, hope you enjoy.

"Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing"
Robert Robinson

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

"Mighty God, While Angels Bless Thee"
Robert Robinson

Mighty God, while angels bless Thee,
May a mortal sing Thy Name?
Lord of men as well as angels,
Thou art every creature’s theme.
Lord of every land and nation,
Ancient of eternal days.
Sounded through the wide creation
Be Thy just and endless praise.

For the grandeur of Thy nature,
Grand beyond a seraph’s thought;
For the wonders of creation,
Works with skill and kindness wrought.
For Thy providence, that governs,
Through Thine empire’s wide domain,
Wings an angel, guides a sparrow,
Blessèd be Thy gentle reign.

For Thy rich, Thy free redemption,
Bright, though veiled in darkness long,
Thought is poor, and poor expression;
Who can sing that wondrous song?
Brightness of the Father’s glory,
Shall Thy praise unuttered lie?
Break, my tongue, such guilty silence!
Sing the Lord Who came to die.

From the highest throne of glory
To the cross of deepest woe,
All to ransom guilty captives;
Flow my praise, forever flow!
Reascend, immortal Savior;
Leave Thy footstool, take Thy throne;
Thence return, and reign forever,
Be the kingdom all Thine own!

Deliverance

So today I got some deliverance. It was pure and good. I’ve never had some one spend an hour talking to me and then turn the tables and tell me my greatest fears and misconceptions about myself. It’s an odd experience to have someone tell you something about yourself that you didn’t know, but knew was true. How did he know? How is it that I know he’s right if I didn’t know until just now? The only answer is the Lord. The only answer is that the Lord loves me so much that He told some of my darkest characteristics to someone else, in front of other people, and gave me the heart not to care, but only to long to be free of those things. I was called Gideon today and for the first time I knew it was the warrior Gideon and not Gideon hiding in the wine press. I was called a “rock of Gibraltar”, and I melted because I could hear the Fathers voice. I was enlightened that some of my problems come from other people seeing the Lord’s blessing in me before I did and wanting to be a part of something I thought I was lacking in and could never be to people.

I didn’t pass out. I didn’t speak in tongues. I didn’t have a vision. I have victory though. It is a victory so complete that there wasn’t even any fighting, only broken jars, burnt out torches, and voices raw from praise; a victory so inevitable that the enemy left the field at the first sign of the coming opposition. They were many and they all left at the bidding of one of my brothers. He said go and they went. I and my family are that scary to the enemy. We are the embodiment of the coming defeat of satan and resounding victory of the called out ones led by the first born and backed by the I AM. My prayer is that the time is coming when our voices are anticipated in the heavens and make the darkest evils shudder at their coming defeat, and at our approach.

Man I Miss That Beard

Man I miss that beard :-(

Cry Like A Sissy Boy

i know it's been a while, and maybe anyone who ever read my stuff has abandonned me in my hiatis, but there has been much going on here and i haven't had time to process it. I do think i caught a glimpse of myself spiritually just now though. picture this:

"...little boy so anxious and worried about promised goodies from his dad. he paces and walks in place. his mouth is frozen in a maniacle anticipatory euphoric smile. he rings his hands constantly and breaths sporadically. every few seconds he totally freaks out with giggles and akwardly laughs, groaning his implorations of "when daddy, when!!!!". while dad is still preparing the boys gift the boys entire demeanor changes. his smile fades, the light in his eyes dims, and a foggy glaze rolls over him in place of the overwhelming intensity that once burned in him. he slumps against the wall in defeat of his own passion for what is to come thinking that "it's not here now, i don't see it coming, it will never be hear. daddy only teased me to test my fortitude, and all of my excitment was only a bright banner of my own failure to abstain or resist the greatest gifts". daddy turns from his work and sees the boy in utter despair weeping bitterly. in shock and amazment he leaps from his work and runs to the boy, "what are you doing!? did i not promise you good gifts?! why are you crying?!" the boy looks at him and says, "but i haven't gotten them yet, i've only seem glimpses and you won't let me have them." the daddy laughs sadly and says, "but they're not ready yet son, stop your sissy boy crying. i'm not going to give you incomplete gifts but gifts that are full and wonderful and complete. half a gift truly would be test, but i promised you gifts, and gifts are not tests." the boy being quite fikkle leaps up quivering with excitment and resumes his excited anticipatory figeting."

if you can't peace it together i am the boy. i am a very impatient boy with perverted views about the gifts of the Lord that are thankfully dying. I also have a severe lack of patience that the Lord is rectifying, and I also tend to cry (spiritually) like a sissy boy.

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA

On my previous post (Por Tito en Espana) there is a picture of my great friend Fernando flying his flags (middle fingers) which may lead some to believe that he is insensitive or rude. May it never be!!! So here is my attempt at rectifying the situation, and I really want everyone to see this picture in case you ever meet the Nando (don't call him Ferny only Nando). He looks so good in hats, don't you think? This could also be somwhat of a...vengeful act?...but i think its mainly funny.

Salvation As I Know It

I realized today that I don't know everyone who reads my blog, and may be surprised at some of the people who do. In light of that I considered the many posts that I have written and wondered if I have confused anyone. Probably so. So now I want to post something that I hope is common among all of my bretheren. This may also be what some of those who aren't sure about...are looking for. Following is the salvation of Christ as I have come to know Him. Here Goes.

In the beginning God created man. He breathed into man giving him life. That breath of God is our spirit. When man fell in the Garden and knew sin, our spirits died. That dead spirit is passed down to every human born since then up to the present.

Thus enterth Christ. Christ entered the world without natural conception but holy conception, thus bypassing being born with a dead spirit. He was also born with the very heart of the Father, enabing Jesus to live this life without tarnishing that spirit. Then when Jesus was hanging on the cross the Father took all of our transgressions and iniquities and deposited them into Christ, then turned His back on His only son and let him die the death of our sins. Christ died and went to hell for three days. While in hell he endured the sentence for our sins, all of them, and overcame them. So when He rose on the third day He then had not only a clean spirit but one that had been forgiven all of humanity's sins. Then at the end of John Christ breathes on his disciples depositing His clean spirit in place of their dead ones. So the disciples now had a spirit that was not only cleansed of their former sins, but of all sin. They had the spirit of Christ. That act of breatheing of them is the same way God the Father breathed life into Adam.
Christ breathing on the disciples established the body of christ, because they all had the same spirit, just like my body has one spirit but many body parts, so does Christ's spirit have many parts (all the brethren). So now when we appear before the judgement seat and satan says to the Father, "look at all the bad stuff this guy did" Christ can say "yes, he did those things and was guilty but i have already served his prison time, so he is clean."

It's funny because satan doesn't even have to lie, he just tells the nasty truth, and he still gets it in the rear. HA!

This is what I know for sure as the Salvation of Christ. While I am made up of many rooms, some which will burn away, this truth is the cornerstone to my foundation. It is not my whole foundation, but definitely my cornerstone. There is much more to the Father than salvation, so there is much more to my foundation. That, though, will have to saved for later.

I post this because I want everyone to see the cornerstone that I try to build onto. All the stuff I add may or may not be Godly, but this most definitley is. So in light of this, all of my other posts may burn away, but this will remain.

While I would love to know all the people who may read this, if you just don't feel like saying anything that's fine. But if you do, feel free to correct, disagree, give hearty approval, or leave some sort of pondering comment like "hmmmmm...". I like them all. Peace!

ps- to leave comments place cursor over the number next to the title of the post and the word "comments" will magically appear, click on it. some have been confused, so there it is.

in your face old me

i've wanted to post this song for a while, so here it is. Rilo Kiley sings this song, though i don't know the title. I cried the first time i heard this song, and a few times since. i could never understand my overwhelming relief at hearing this song until recently. here's the song, the explanation follows:

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can’t move

awake but can not open my eyes

and the weight is crashing down

on my lungs I know I can’t breath

and hope someone will save me this time

and your mother still calls you insane and high

swearing its different this time

and you tell her to give in, to the demons that possess her

and that god never blessed her inside

then you hang up the phone, and feel badly for upsetting things

crawl back into bed to dream of a time

when your heart was open wide

and you loved things just because like the sink and the…

and sometimes when you’re on

you’re really fucking on

and your friends they sing along and they love you

but the lows are so extreme, that the good seems fucking sheek

and it teases you for weeks in its absence

but you’ll fight and you’ll make it through

you’ll fake it if you have to

and you’ll show up for work with a smile

you’ll be better and you’ll be smarter and more grown up

and a better daughter, or son, and a real good friend

you’ll be awake you’ll be alert you’ll be positive tough it hurts

and you’ll laugh and embrace all your friends

you’ll be a real good listener, you’ll be honest you’ll be brave

you’ll be handsome and you’ll be beautiful

you’ll be happy

shit may be coming in

you’re weak but not givin in

to the crys and the wills of the valley below

and your shit may be coming in

you’re weak but not givin in

and you’ll fight it, you’ll go out fighting all of ‘em

Why did I cry? because this song is the embodiment of my old self. my religious, fake, naive self who only knew the Lord as master and not daddy. This was my life, i didn't know that as a christian i was aloud to be unhappy and let it show. so i would wake up, swallow my honesty and throw my pretty speech around and listen to the cheers and appreciate the looks of approval. the whole time i was desperate for an honest love that would even love me when i was depressed and unhappy. At the time I first heard this song I was on the near side of being broken in major ways. most of my religion had recently been baptized in fire and none survived. When I heard the words of this song, to a militaryesque determined drumline, i saw my sad broken tear stained body laying in front of the pretty, happy smiling shell i had just been smoked out of. i was laying there in all my ugliness laughing/crying hysterically and giving my blank, staring, performance model shell the big f#%k you. I was so relieved that the Lord saw my brokenness, and freed me from the life this song so poignently sings of while still loving me with an overwhelming affection. Amen?

AMEN.

Global Empire of Wantoness

The title is supposed to read with that deep echoing voice you hear on the cheesy sales commercials, "GLOBAL EMPIRE OF WANTONESS!!!!" Anyway I was inspired by temporarily Spanish friend, Tito, to the following observations.

Our parents, most of them, seem to obsessed with the idea of their kids, all of us, graduating college and going on to high paying jobs. We, for the most part, seem to be quite upset by the notion and don't want to comply.

Our present generational culture reminds me of the elites of the Enlightenment Period. If you're a literary fellow, we remind me of a rising nation of Pierre Bezuhovs. Pierre was a rich bastard son of a dying political God of Tolstoy's Russia in War and Peace. Pierre enters the epic returning from his educational travels that many rich kids were sent on and partook of many times in their lives. These trips were born of education, need for adventure, and curiosity. Pierre came back unsettled by the state of things and wanted to change everything wrong about the society he was in, which consisted of anything he didn't agree with. So he went on some adventures and changed a few obvious things that were related to him. Now imagine an entire country, like the US, full of Pierres. Creepy.

Except our need for adventure and curiosity is constantly being side tracked by entertainment; TV, movies, video games, overpowering culture shifts. So some of our generation are starting to grow old with that unsatisfied need to be righteous and make a difference. Some of us though are taking our chances and going for it. Traveling, studying abroad, grad school, for many christians in college station they get there adventure from marriage (i may have to explain that later, i'm sure some people will be pissed at that one, hehehe). Ultimately though it's only the Pierres, or the rich that get to take those chances. You won't see any ghetto kids traveling the world.

You see we're no the first world empire. We just happen to be the only one that is truly global and truly in control. The travelers and educated of the Roman's were from Rome or at least the Italian peninsula. During the Enlightenment it was Europe the headed the World, Thus the sophisticates were all from Europe. Now it's America. We are so lost in the middle of the richest of the world that we don't even know it. We are the elites, and we don't see it. Imagine how many people would be driven to action by sheer boredom if we lived with out all of the entertainment we are constantly bombarded with.

Our age also plays a factor. We're at the point where we want experience more than anything. We have this notion that there is so much more in the proverbial "out there" than we've got here. Which in a way is true, but ultimately I think it's all the same stuff just with different frosting (culture and setting). I could be wrong though, I've never really been in the proverbial "out there".

The "church", on the other hand I think is going through this awful "pubescent" stage. It's basically making an ass of itself and all the while thinking it's getting cooler and cooler. The body of Christ is always maturing so the growing pains will be consistent until we reach that blessed day when Christ presents us to the Father as a mature man. I think this "pubescent" stage is stemming from a few things:

1. Our culture is obsessed with being young, so the "church", being extremely cultural, is constantly having to stay young.
2. Our generation has an unsatisfiable hunger for something unknown, so the frustration with the church, and it's need for solidarity, is understandable. Imagine a pregnant woman's frustration at her blind and deaf husband's inability to acquire that perfect food that satisfies that elusive craving that she herself can not identify.
3. Our generation doesn't know what church is so it really doesn't know what it wants. It wants church but doesn't know it. We've seen from our parents that money doesn't get happiness and that the hippie lifestyle isn't the best either. Then we turn around and are faced with the boredom and constraint of "church" life that comes after college church life and, all of a sudden we see the next eighty years of their life laid out before us and it scares us. The "emergent" church is, from my view point, continuation of college service for people who just can't get over it.

Our country has a rich history of adventure and change, not so much a rich present though. I think it comes somewhat with the rising global economy, some with the elite world status that Americans are born with, and the separation between plebs and the government that has taken place over the past twenty to thirty years. Do college students have as much impact on the government today as our parents did in their day, no.

In short our parents see in us the chance to live all the dreams they fought for and believed in, and all we see is the staleness of living someone else's dreams. We've seen all the world has to offer and know there's no lasting fulfillment there. We think we've seen what the church has to offer, and nothing. But oh that blessed day when the church is tested with fire and all the shit burns away. We will be left with very little gold and a great many trials. I think that day is approaching.

Also I think it's important to realized there is a chronic satisfaction in our generation with surface knowledge. We have this tendency to learn something for twenty minutes and claim we know it. This comes from the History and Discovery channels, among other stuff of course. Man (clutching chest) that one hurt, I love those channels. We tend not to ponder the deeps of things. How many married couples have I heard of being mentored by a couple that's been married for ten or fifteen years. How about being married for fifty years, that's the guy I want advice from.

Whew!!!! this is long. I think I'll stop. I'm starting to sweat. You guys let me know where I went wrong and I'll try to explain. Or I may just say "touche good sir/madam, touche." I'll close with some song lyrics by Mike Doughty.

"What is my life without my heart at risk?
When will I love someone
When will someone be mine
Forty grand in the hole
I'm gonna open it up and
Let my yearning, shine"

So...?

Alright, usually I'm not a very politically oriented or agitated person, but lately I've taken a much keener interest due to my growing interest in environmental issues. I also think getting older has it's affect. I'm definitely not saying I'm getting old, at all. I won't be old till I'm 70 or something, I mean why be old until you have no other choice.

Anyway, I watched the state of the union. The only thing more uncaptivating was the Democratic response. Wow!! Boring!! I don't just mean in a political way. There was no passion, no ardor, no violent uncontrolled emotion in either one of the speeches. When I hear the leader of the most powerful nation of the face of the earth tell his constituents (me and you) the state of our nation and where he intends to take it, I expect some gusto. If he's not excited about where he's taking the nation why should I be? I'm not to happy with him right now anyway. He cut my pell grants, and many others pell grants as well. Moreover he was pretty frikin vague when it came to domestic issues, especially environmental issues. He started to say what I wanted to hear, and then left me hangin.

Lastly, those democrats need to have some rebuilding years crammed into the short amount of time before the next election. They really suck. Their response to the State of the Union reeked of vagueness, unpreparedness, carelessness with opportunity, and ultimately the attitude of "you know what, I'm a bureaucrat, I've got this power and we just really don't care about all you layman. So here is some lackadaisical political jargon, go chew on it for a while." I was almost ready to consider voting democrat next time, if I vote, by the end of the state of the union. Then the democrats opened dumb fat mouths and completely turned me off.

Most of all I just felt like he didn't say very much of anything. At least not anything of substance. I think maybe a powerpoint would have helped, or maybe something interactive. I feel like he was trying to pull a fast one on me, with all his jargon and pleas for liberty and bipartisanship.

Lastly the democrats not cheering at most of the stuff he said and then cheering when he brought up something that pissed him off was so annoying and aggrivating. I've seen more considerate behavior from a room full of five years olds.

I realize I may be politically naive. I know my interests and concerns, and more over I know people who got their shit together when I see em, and tonight I just don't feel like I saw too many.

"He Will Give Them Death, and They WIll Love Him For It"

I have two of the most fantastic jobs a college student could ask for. First of all I work at the climbing wall in the rec center. Love to climb, love the people, love the work, what else is there. I am also an RA at a dorm for three foreign exchange students from Korea that attend a local private high school. I get paid a great deal. Pay is pretty much like salary, not based on hours. I get paid to sleep, study, play video games and watch TV. This "dorm" is actually an apartment. I am responsible for making sure these guys eat, don't kill themselves, and have a ride. But I am starting to really hate this job. Solely because of the TV and video games. Entertainment is the true opium of the masses, and I am a junky.

I'm a little depressed right now. Mainly because I feel like I completely wasted a day. I spent almost all day watching television. I watched television because I swore to myself I wasn't going to play video games. I did that because the other night I spent close to eight straight hours playing. That's rediculous!!! And I hate it!!!

Thoughts on video games:

I don't have myself completely convinced yet but i'm starting to think that video games are sitting the fence between sin and temptation. Playing video games is the biggest waste of time currently on the earth. It can be stressfull, very time consuming, pointless, tiring, mind numbing, degrading, and it goes on. Also they're not real. A person participates in nothing real by playing video games. They're a lazy form of immagination. A person could sit down and write a story, paint a picture, build something, or even follow some logically deduced pattern of thought to the next great epaphany that will change mankind as we know it. Or you can sit in front of a television manipulating programmed colors that immatate some romantic version of life that never really exists. They leave no room for true creativity. The only games I've ever really enjoyed are the sports games. I could play sports, or write about them, experience them, coach them, or any other number of things concerning them, but I would never achieve the greatness in the real world that I do on MVP Baseball 2006. In that fake world I an owner, manager, and star third baseman of the Houston Astros. But it does absolutely nothing for me in this world. You know the world I actually live in.

There is also something hypnotizing about them. They grab your attention like a naked person would. You just can't stop playing/looking. What is that? They are also a practice in over indulgence and superficiality. Grand Theft Auto? All the games by the rap artists? Fantasy games?

Finally, concerning video games, there is an obvious trend of guys loving them, and girls just not getting it. Granted there are a few girls and guys who bend from the norm, but I'm not talking about them. Why is it that guys are so drawn to them? Why am I? Let's take a look, here's what I've noticed?

1. Guys who are addicted to sports games (me) usually have some sporting failure, or unfulfilled need in his involvement in the past or presenct with some kind of sport.

2. It's usually weak, nerdy, pushover, timid, meek guys who love the shooter games and fantasy games. Granted all guys usually like them, myself included, but the obsessive ones are the afore mentioned ones.

3. The only video game I've ever seen girls really like and enjoy, without having guy friends that enjoyed them first are those stinkin dance/disco video games.

Conclusion: Video games are a perverted substitution for the real thing. Pushovers can finally lash out and destroy all who annoy. Old athletes, normal joes, and failed athletes may finally achieve that athletic god-like status and infamy of sports icons. The do gooder can finally steal a car pick up a prostitute and go on a cop killing rampage. Women can finally dance and operated how rap video's say they should. Basicly it creates a world of absolute control in which a man can overcome his weakness and rule his neighbors. Or would it be easier to say where man can rule, be great, conquer, take, achieve, command, fight, and be brave. It's a filler for the things most guys want but lack, and are told by the world that to be a man one must have. Video games are huge with youth groups, why? because "churches" today breed such a confusing, vague, weak image of a MAN, that video games serve as an arena in which little boys can act the man. In church girls are mainly fed the message "you are enough just the way God made you", guys get the "you were made to lead, be in charge, and set the example". I think that is why guys like the video games and girls just don't care that much. Video game play to a falling short attitude that society is constantly throwing in their faces. I also think that's whay girls follow the models, actesses, and female pop stars so closely; could be wrong about that though. I hate video games, but like all other temptation, my flesh yearns for them.

Television: television is the modern day arena to the coliseum. And like caesar it is used to rule. Most people base their political, fashion, artistic, religious, historical, and moral opinions on what is on TV.

It's scary how much the TV programming mirrors american culture. Get as much as you can out of the time your have. We have hundreds and hundreds of channels, and TV's that cater to watching more than one at a time and can record what your missing on top of that. There are channels for every interest immaginable. More than that, it's beautiful. When was the last time one saw and ugly person, background, or overall picture display on television. That's it's captivating power. Constant stimulation. A big shiny object. Sure you can watch the history channel and try to feel good about it, but even those programs are made to sell. There is even a channel that reports what is on your TV. I hate TV too.

Video games and TV are disgusting because to me they represent a sort of second hand disgusting reality. TV and video games mainly project what humanity would make of the world if given the opportunity. I feeds the soul the desires whispered to it by one's flesh. My friends I think most people look at TV's and video games much like Adam and Eve saw that apple. Looks cool, represents something we're not made for, something that should not be, and leaves us unfulfilled.

I'm sorry for the somber attitude, but like I said I've been in front of the TV all day, staring at the apple, and spoon fed the wants of the flesh and the whole time knowing that they aren't real, and wanting them anyway.

If you don't understand the title you need to watch Gladiator again.

Initiative thoughts

So I thought of something the other day while I was reading for my environmental sociology class. These thoughts are not finished yet so don't be disappointed at there basic natures.

Environmental studies are going through somewhat of a pubescent stage. Currently a paradigm shift is taking place concerning the ways humanity has come to view it's relationship with the natural environment. Most have come to view the environment in ways that the romantics have instructed us. Something vastly different and untamed from our own places on the earth. Humans are not exactly at home in nature, we belong in groups of humans and in the dwellings we have come to know throughout history. At the same time we can not do without nature. We get our food from nature, all of our resources for that matter, and nature is one of the most sought after arenas of relaxation and play (parks, skiing, lakes, hiking, climbing, hunting, etc...). So we need it but we are in a way estranged from it. Views as such have led to nature being looked upon as frontier that must be explored and conquered, adventure ridden, and dangerous. Ultimately we have separated ourselves from it to such an extent that we view nature as something other than ourselves.

These views have led to many of our resource and environmental problems that we face today. There are many reasons why and many ways in how we have done it. Some of which are the romantics, urbanization, industrialism, and consumerism. The shift that is taking place is an epiphany of our true places within the natural world, that being an actual member of the natural world and no less so than lions, and tigers, and bears, OH MY. Some of us eat fish, but instead of getting it from the river like the noble bear we buy it at a restaurant or at the supermarket. We are never really allowed to see the impact on the natural world or our involvement in it. These thoughts could go on and on and on, but I'm gonna stop here because what I really want to talk about is the church. There are similarities here that I find interesting.

First of all Church has been viewed for a long time now as something we go to, or participate in. I go on sudays, I can have fun there, and I get stuff I need there. The church in this view, like nature, becomes something otherly. It becomes a place, or an avenue, or an ends to a means, a supplier. However according to the bible, we are the church, we can't leave it, the body, anymore than my finger could one day decide to leave my hand. I think the most startling parallel I noticed was that this view of church also comes from having so much stuff in between. For fish we have fisherman, packing companies, shipping companies, inspection companies, restaurants and supermarkets. Now we have sanctuaries, and seminaries, and specific days, and policies, and payments to be maid, and doctrines, and an appropriateness of order and place in ones participation.

I'm not saying it's bad to go to sunday moring service anymore than it is to go to the HEB and get some salmon to throw on the grill. I am saying though that to be good stewards of the environment you have to appreciate the reality of your place in it and the impact you can have on it. I feel the same way for the body.

Lastly there is a greatness in being in the "wild" that many therapeutic firms, correctional programs, and ministries have begun to notice. They bring people out into the wilderness to get some perspective. I know I've been apart of it, and there is an undeniable power to felt by being out in the open, being exposed to elements and subject to forces that you have little control over. Likewise with the body. I've started going to sunday morning service again, albeit a...interesting one, but there is no substitution for the one on one time with my brothers and sisters and especially with the father. You just can't beat the real thing.