Immediate Post Pary

To those who doubt and question, and to that one dream who doesn’t know me yet,

(I deleted the previous paragraph or so in consideration of others personal feelings, but the rest is pure venting, enjoy)

... yet I couldn’t cast him aside. Little did I know it but the Lord was teaching me about love. I didn’t know how to love at the time, at least not well. That’s why I was tired all of the time. Somehow I had to let go. I couldn’t explain to you how that happened. I can only say that the impossible with man is possible with the Lord.

For instance, tonight I went to a party where most of the people were gay. Two years ago I couldn’t have stepped into a building with one gay person without feeling this overwhelming responsibility to show them the “ever-changing power of Christ”. The love that overcomes all. How would I have shown them? Instead I drank some and realized that often these people are no more messed up than I am. I just live in a society that accepts my faults as common and natural. Lust, sure every guy deals with it. Pride, well that’s not so bad if it’s for the right things. Secrecy, hey everyone’s got to have a private life right? No, I don’t think so.

Instead I spent most of my tipsy time talking with a human wallowing in the guilt and despair of our faults. You see I live in a town full of pharisees. They’d never tell you as much, but a pharisee never would. Of course I’m humble and holy and all that, I’m a christian after all. Shut, I’m in charge of a ministry. How often did I whisper those words to myself. And, oh, how they came crashing down. I knew this person, wallowing, the moment I saw her. Maybe a year ago. I saw her as well as I see myself in hindsight. Very clearly. As well as I see you sometimes.

This person was wracked with guilt over having been drunk and I’m sure a number of things. I was so relieved though because deep down they knew that their guilt in wrong. Because Jesus saved us from our guilt, of any guilt we should ever have. How foolish it is for any christian to ever feel guilty. Regret, hits us all, and rightfully so most times. But guilt, no, Jesus took care of that. Guilt is a waste of time.

This person had never heard that before. Despite the christian upbringing, despite the many bible studies and high regard, they still felt guilty. I look at them and only see myself. How often I fall...no JUMP into the pits of despair because of something I did or did not do. Something Jesus died for already, sin or not. What an insult for me to try and take on guilt that only Jesus could. That really does need forgiveness.

So this is to you.

You who are highly regarded and don’t know it. You who are beautiful and respected. You who have a great boyfriend/girlfriend. That great relationship that everyone envys. You who are in charge of the ministry and placed over people. You who have changed people’s lives in genuinely powerful ways and then looked back and thought “no...that really had nothing to do with me because I am a nobody. I am only a lowly servant who only WISHES to change peoples lives. Who wishes for more than anything to be seen as I truly am so that I could no longer have what I think I am not worthy of. That, being other peoples regard and respect. If other people could really see me as I am, I think they would loathe me and cast me out. I’m sure of it.”

Then one day I let someone see the best part of me. A part that was so good, and holy, and from the Lord that I didn’t want to show anyone in case of jealousy or envy. Something so purely from the Lord that I felt embarrassed at Him having given it to me. It wasn’t until I showed someone this beautiful part of me that I was ever genuinely cast out. Then I knew abandonment. Then I tasted what it was like to have loved ones turn there backs on you. But I also found out for the first time what it was to have loved ones stand by despite what anyone else said. That...that was great...and a blessing beyond anything I have ever received, ever.

Some people who knew me then have seen me now and said, “yeah, he got a little weird.” So I am. I readily admit that I don things sometimes that don’t make any sense. Things that to a normal person scream, “psycho” or at least “too unconventional for my blood”.

I don’t care that’s what the pharisee screamed about Jesus. That’s what I screamed about him before I knew Him. Well now I piss on most of what I used to debate and stand up for. The only thing I ever want to stand with is the only thing that made a difference to that confused person tonight at that party. The unconditional love and overpowering grace of Jesus Christ. That’s it, to hell with the rest of it.

P.S. I’m still a little tipsy so pardon any grammatical errors. I thought that my genuine nature at this moment is more important than a grammatically sound post I could come up with later. I also wanted to forgo trying to reinvent what I felt the night before, tomorrow morning. At this point I'd rather deal with the consequences of a mistake than publish a "pretty" version of my thoughts tonight.