in your face old me

i've wanted to post this song for a while, so here it is. Rilo Kiley sings this song, though i don't know the title. I cried the first time i heard this song, and a few times since. i could never understand my overwhelming relief at hearing this song until recently. here's the song, the explanation follows:

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can’t move

awake but can not open my eyes

and the weight is crashing down

on my lungs I know I can’t breath

and hope someone will save me this time

and your mother still calls you insane and high

swearing its different this time

and you tell her to give in, to the demons that possess her

and that god never blessed her inside

then you hang up the phone, and feel badly for upsetting things

crawl back into bed to dream of a time

when your heart was open wide

and you loved things just because like the sink and the…

and sometimes when you’re on

you’re really fucking on

and your friends they sing along and they love you

but the lows are so extreme, that the good seems fucking sheek

and it teases you for weeks in its absence

but you’ll fight and you’ll make it through

you’ll fake it if you have to

and you’ll show up for work with a smile

you’ll be better and you’ll be smarter and more grown up

and a better daughter, or son, and a real good friend

you’ll be awake you’ll be alert you’ll be positive tough it hurts

and you’ll laugh and embrace all your friends

you’ll be a real good listener, you’ll be honest you’ll be brave

you’ll be handsome and you’ll be beautiful

you’ll be happy

shit may be coming in

you’re weak but not givin in

to the crys and the wills of the valley below

and your shit may be coming in

you’re weak but not givin in

and you’ll fight it, you’ll go out fighting all of ‘em

Why did I cry? because this song is the embodiment of my old self. my religious, fake, naive self who only knew the Lord as master and not daddy. This was my life, i didn't know that as a christian i was aloud to be unhappy and let it show. so i would wake up, swallow my honesty and throw my pretty speech around and listen to the cheers and appreciate the looks of approval. the whole time i was desperate for an honest love that would even love me when i was depressed and unhappy. At the time I first heard this song I was on the near side of being broken in major ways. most of my religion had recently been baptized in fire and none survived. When I heard the words of this song, to a militaryesque determined drumline, i saw my sad broken tear stained body laying in front of the pretty, happy smiling shell i had just been smoked out of. i was laying there in all my ugliness laughing/crying hysterically and giving my blank, staring, performance model shell the big f#%k you. I was so relieved that the Lord saw my brokenness, and freed me from the life this song so poignently sings of while still loving me with an overwhelming affection. Amen?

AMEN.