Global Empire of Wantoness

The title is supposed to read with that deep echoing voice you hear on the cheesy sales commercials, "GLOBAL EMPIRE OF WANTONESS!!!!" Anyway I was inspired by temporarily Spanish friend, Tito, to the following observations.

Our parents, most of them, seem to obsessed with the idea of their kids, all of us, graduating college and going on to high paying jobs. We, for the most part, seem to be quite upset by the notion and don't want to comply.

Our present generational culture reminds me of the elites of the Enlightenment Period. If you're a literary fellow, we remind me of a rising nation of Pierre Bezuhovs. Pierre was a rich bastard son of a dying political God of Tolstoy's Russia in War and Peace. Pierre enters the epic returning from his educational travels that many rich kids were sent on and partook of many times in their lives. These trips were born of education, need for adventure, and curiosity. Pierre came back unsettled by the state of things and wanted to change everything wrong about the society he was in, which consisted of anything he didn't agree with. So he went on some adventures and changed a few obvious things that were related to him. Now imagine an entire country, like the US, full of Pierres. Creepy.

Except our need for adventure and curiosity is constantly being side tracked by entertainment; TV, movies, video games, overpowering culture shifts. So some of our generation are starting to grow old with that unsatisfied need to be righteous and make a difference. Some of us though are taking our chances and going for it. Traveling, studying abroad, grad school, for many christians in college station they get there adventure from marriage (i may have to explain that later, i'm sure some people will be pissed at that one, hehehe). Ultimately though it's only the Pierres, or the rich that get to take those chances. You won't see any ghetto kids traveling the world.

You see we're no the first world empire. We just happen to be the only one that is truly global and truly in control. The travelers and educated of the Roman's were from Rome or at least the Italian peninsula. During the Enlightenment it was Europe the headed the World, Thus the sophisticates were all from Europe. Now it's America. We are so lost in the middle of the richest of the world that we don't even know it. We are the elites, and we don't see it. Imagine how many people would be driven to action by sheer boredom if we lived with out all of the entertainment we are constantly bombarded with.

Our age also plays a factor. We're at the point where we want experience more than anything. We have this notion that there is so much more in the proverbial "out there" than we've got here. Which in a way is true, but ultimately I think it's all the same stuff just with different frosting (culture and setting). I could be wrong though, I've never really been in the proverbial "out there".

The "church", on the other hand I think is going through this awful "pubescent" stage. It's basically making an ass of itself and all the while thinking it's getting cooler and cooler. The body of Christ is always maturing so the growing pains will be consistent until we reach that blessed day when Christ presents us to the Father as a mature man. I think this "pubescent" stage is stemming from a few things:

1. Our culture is obsessed with being young, so the "church", being extremely cultural, is constantly having to stay young.
2. Our generation has an unsatisfiable hunger for something unknown, so the frustration with the church, and it's need for solidarity, is understandable. Imagine a pregnant woman's frustration at her blind and deaf husband's inability to acquire that perfect food that satisfies that elusive craving that she herself can not identify.
3. Our generation doesn't know what church is so it really doesn't know what it wants. It wants church but doesn't know it. We've seen from our parents that money doesn't get happiness and that the hippie lifestyle isn't the best either. Then we turn around and are faced with the boredom and constraint of "church" life that comes after college church life and, all of a sudden we see the next eighty years of their life laid out before us and it scares us. The "emergent" church is, from my view point, continuation of college service for people who just can't get over it.

Our country has a rich history of adventure and change, not so much a rich present though. I think it comes somewhat with the rising global economy, some with the elite world status that Americans are born with, and the separation between plebs and the government that has taken place over the past twenty to thirty years. Do college students have as much impact on the government today as our parents did in their day, no.

In short our parents see in us the chance to live all the dreams they fought for and believed in, and all we see is the staleness of living someone else's dreams. We've seen all the world has to offer and know there's no lasting fulfillment there. We think we've seen what the church has to offer, and nothing. But oh that blessed day when the church is tested with fire and all the shit burns away. We will be left with very little gold and a great many trials. I think that day is approaching.

Also I think it's important to realized there is a chronic satisfaction in our generation with surface knowledge. We have this tendency to learn something for twenty minutes and claim we know it. This comes from the History and Discovery channels, among other stuff of course. Man (clutching chest) that one hurt, I love those channels. We tend not to ponder the deeps of things. How many married couples have I heard of being mentored by a couple that's been married for ten or fifteen years. How about being married for fifty years, that's the guy I want advice from.

Whew!!!! this is long. I think I'll stop. I'm starting to sweat. You guys let me know where I went wrong and I'll try to explain. Or I may just say "touche good sir/madam, touche." I'll close with some song lyrics by Mike Doughty.

"What is my life without my heart at risk?
When will I love someone
When will someone be mine
Forty grand in the hole
I'm gonna open it up and
Let my yearning, shine"

So...?

Alright, usually I'm not a very politically oriented or agitated person, but lately I've taken a much keener interest due to my growing interest in environmental issues. I also think getting older has it's affect. I'm definitely not saying I'm getting old, at all. I won't be old till I'm 70 or something, I mean why be old until you have no other choice.

Anyway, I watched the state of the union. The only thing more uncaptivating was the Democratic response. Wow!! Boring!! I don't just mean in a political way. There was no passion, no ardor, no violent uncontrolled emotion in either one of the speeches. When I hear the leader of the most powerful nation of the face of the earth tell his constituents (me and you) the state of our nation and where he intends to take it, I expect some gusto. If he's not excited about where he's taking the nation why should I be? I'm not to happy with him right now anyway. He cut my pell grants, and many others pell grants as well. Moreover he was pretty frikin vague when it came to domestic issues, especially environmental issues. He started to say what I wanted to hear, and then left me hangin.

Lastly, those democrats need to have some rebuilding years crammed into the short amount of time before the next election. They really suck. Their response to the State of the Union reeked of vagueness, unpreparedness, carelessness with opportunity, and ultimately the attitude of "you know what, I'm a bureaucrat, I've got this power and we just really don't care about all you layman. So here is some lackadaisical political jargon, go chew on it for a while." I was almost ready to consider voting democrat next time, if I vote, by the end of the state of the union. Then the democrats opened dumb fat mouths and completely turned me off.

Most of all I just felt like he didn't say very much of anything. At least not anything of substance. I think maybe a powerpoint would have helped, or maybe something interactive. I feel like he was trying to pull a fast one on me, with all his jargon and pleas for liberty and bipartisanship.

Lastly the democrats not cheering at most of the stuff he said and then cheering when he brought up something that pissed him off was so annoying and aggrivating. I've seen more considerate behavior from a room full of five years olds.

I realize I may be politically naive. I know my interests and concerns, and more over I know people who got their shit together when I see em, and tonight I just don't feel like I saw too many.

"He Will Give Them Death, and They WIll Love Him For It"

I have two of the most fantastic jobs a college student could ask for. First of all I work at the climbing wall in the rec center. Love to climb, love the people, love the work, what else is there. I am also an RA at a dorm for three foreign exchange students from Korea that attend a local private high school. I get paid a great deal. Pay is pretty much like salary, not based on hours. I get paid to sleep, study, play video games and watch TV. This "dorm" is actually an apartment. I am responsible for making sure these guys eat, don't kill themselves, and have a ride. But I am starting to really hate this job. Solely because of the TV and video games. Entertainment is the true opium of the masses, and I am a junky.

I'm a little depressed right now. Mainly because I feel like I completely wasted a day. I spent almost all day watching television. I watched television because I swore to myself I wasn't going to play video games. I did that because the other night I spent close to eight straight hours playing. That's rediculous!!! And I hate it!!!

Thoughts on video games:

I don't have myself completely convinced yet but i'm starting to think that video games are sitting the fence between sin and temptation. Playing video games is the biggest waste of time currently on the earth. It can be stressfull, very time consuming, pointless, tiring, mind numbing, degrading, and it goes on. Also they're not real. A person participates in nothing real by playing video games. They're a lazy form of immagination. A person could sit down and write a story, paint a picture, build something, or even follow some logically deduced pattern of thought to the next great epaphany that will change mankind as we know it. Or you can sit in front of a television manipulating programmed colors that immatate some romantic version of life that never really exists. They leave no room for true creativity. The only games I've ever really enjoyed are the sports games. I could play sports, or write about them, experience them, coach them, or any other number of things concerning them, but I would never achieve the greatness in the real world that I do on MVP Baseball 2006. In that fake world I an owner, manager, and star third baseman of the Houston Astros. But it does absolutely nothing for me in this world. You know the world I actually live in.

There is also something hypnotizing about them. They grab your attention like a naked person would. You just can't stop playing/looking. What is that? They are also a practice in over indulgence and superficiality. Grand Theft Auto? All the games by the rap artists? Fantasy games?

Finally, concerning video games, there is an obvious trend of guys loving them, and girls just not getting it. Granted there are a few girls and guys who bend from the norm, but I'm not talking about them. Why is it that guys are so drawn to them? Why am I? Let's take a look, here's what I've noticed?

1. Guys who are addicted to sports games (me) usually have some sporting failure, or unfulfilled need in his involvement in the past or presenct with some kind of sport.

2. It's usually weak, nerdy, pushover, timid, meek guys who love the shooter games and fantasy games. Granted all guys usually like them, myself included, but the obsessive ones are the afore mentioned ones.

3. The only video game I've ever seen girls really like and enjoy, without having guy friends that enjoyed them first are those stinkin dance/disco video games.

Conclusion: Video games are a perverted substitution for the real thing. Pushovers can finally lash out and destroy all who annoy. Old athletes, normal joes, and failed athletes may finally achieve that athletic god-like status and infamy of sports icons. The do gooder can finally steal a car pick up a prostitute and go on a cop killing rampage. Women can finally dance and operated how rap video's say they should. Basicly it creates a world of absolute control in which a man can overcome his weakness and rule his neighbors. Or would it be easier to say where man can rule, be great, conquer, take, achieve, command, fight, and be brave. It's a filler for the things most guys want but lack, and are told by the world that to be a man one must have. Video games are huge with youth groups, why? because "churches" today breed such a confusing, vague, weak image of a MAN, that video games serve as an arena in which little boys can act the man. In church girls are mainly fed the message "you are enough just the way God made you", guys get the "you were made to lead, be in charge, and set the example". I think that is why guys like the video games and girls just don't care that much. Video game play to a falling short attitude that society is constantly throwing in their faces. I also think that's whay girls follow the models, actesses, and female pop stars so closely; could be wrong about that though. I hate video games, but like all other temptation, my flesh yearns for them.

Television: television is the modern day arena to the coliseum. And like caesar it is used to rule. Most people base their political, fashion, artistic, religious, historical, and moral opinions on what is on TV.

It's scary how much the TV programming mirrors american culture. Get as much as you can out of the time your have. We have hundreds and hundreds of channels, and TV's that cater to watching more than one at a time and can record what your missing on top of that. There are channels for every interest immaginable. More than that, it's beautiful. When was the last time one saw and ugly person, background, or overall picture display on television. That's it's captivating power. Constant stimulation. A big shiny object. Sure you can watch the history channel and try to feel good about it, but even those programs are made to sell. There is even a channel that reports what is on your TV. I hate TV too.

Video games and TV are disgusting because to me they represent a sort of second hand disgusting reality. TV and video games mainly project what humanity would make of the world if given the opportunity. I feeds the soul the desires whispered to it by one's flesh. My friends I think most people look at TV's and video games much like Adam and Eve saw that apple. Looks cool, represents something we're not made for, something that should not be, and leaves us unfulfilled.

I'm sorry for the somber attitude, but like I said I've been in front of the TV all day, staring at the apple, and spoon fed the wants of the flesh and the whole time knowing that they aren't real, and wanting them anyway.

If you don't understand the title you need to watch Gladiator again.

Initiative thoughts

So I thought of something the other day while I was reading for my environmental sociology class. These thoughts are not finished yet so don't be disappointed at there basic natures.

Environmental studies are going through somewhat of a pubescent stage. Currently a paradigm shift is taking place concerning the ways humanity has come to view it's relationship with the natural environment. Most have come to view the environment in ways that the romantics have instructed us. Something vastly different and untamed from our own places on the earth. Humans are not exactly at home in nature, we belong in groups of humans and in the dwellings we have come to know throughout history. At the same time we can not do without nature. We get our food from nature, all of our resources for that matter, and nature is one of the most sought after arenas of relaxation and play (parks, skiing, lakes, hiking, climbing, hunting, etc...). So we need it but we are in a way estranged from it. Views as such have led to nature being looked upon as frontier that must be explored and conquered, adventure ridden, and dangerous. Ultimately we have separated ourselves from it to such an extent that we view nature as something other than ourselves.

These views have led to many of our resource and environmental problems that we face today. There are many reasons why and many ways in how we have done it. Some of which are the romantics, urbanization, industrialism, and consumerism. The shift that is taking place is an epiphany of our true places within the natural world, that being an actual member of the natural world and no less so than lions, and tigers, and bears, OH MY. Some of us eat fish, but instead of getting it from the river like the noble bear we buy it at a restaurant or at the supermarket. We are never really allowed to see the impact on the natural world or our involvement in it. These thoughts could go on and on and on, but I'm gonna stop here because what I really want to talk about is the church. There are similarities here that I find interesting.

First of all Church has been viewed for a long time now as something we go to, or participate in. I go on sudays, I can have fun there, and I get stuff I need there. The church in this view, like nature, becomes something otherly. It becomes a place, or an avenue, or an ends to a means, a supplier. However according to the bible, we are the church, we can't leave it, the body, anymore than my finger could one day decide to leave my hand. I think the most startling parallel I noticed was that this view of church also comes from having so much stuff in between. For fish we have fisherman, packing companies, shipping companies, inspection companies, restaurants and supermarkets. Now we have sanctuaries, and seminaries, and specific days, and policies, and payments to be maid, and doctrines, and an appropriateness of order and place in ones participation.

I'm not saying it's bad to go to sunday moring service anymore than it is to go to the HEB and get some salmon to throw on the grill. I am saying though that to be good stewards of the environment you have to appreciate the reality of your place in it and the impact you can have on it. I feel the same way for the body.

Lastly there is a greatness in being in the "wild" that many therapeutic firms, correctional programs, and ministries have begun to notice. They bring people out into the wilderness to get some perspective. I know I've been apart of it, and there is an undeniable power to felt by being out in the open, being exposed to elements and subject to forces that you have little control over. Likewise with the body. I've started going to sunday morning service again, albeit a...interesting one, but there is no substitution for the one on one time with my brothers and sisters and especially with the father. You just can't beat the real thing.

Fours

Yes, after weeks of reading other people's 4's I've been tagged! whooooo-h000000. . . i'm not really that excited but here goes . . .

4 jobs i've had that won't go back to

1.Sweet Eugene's-bad pay, bad hours, annoying christian culture junkies and the local witch craft group.
2.Foot Locker-great pay, buuuut...no
3.Young Life Student Staff-got paid by asking people to send money to YL, they took a cut and I didn't really get anything???
4. Black Market Body Parts Smuggler-no comment

4 movies i've watched on repeat

1.Crash

2.Rounders
3.Gladiator
4.Last of the Mohicans

4 TV shows

1.Best Damn Sports Show Ever
2.Family Guy
3.X-men and batman cartoons
4.Scrubs

Oh yeah in yo4ur face Mol Jr...I mean3 Lost...dang it!!

4 Vacation's I'd like

1. Assend Everest
2.Safari the entire continent of Africa
3.A years stay in the white house
4.Virgin Islands

4 websites besides blogs i visit daily

1.Major League Baseball.com
2.anything Google
3.Aggieland Federal Credit Union
4.facebook

Lust Worthy Foods
1. Whataburger
2.Odwalla Superfood
3.Carne Guizada from Los Nortenos
4.beer

Changes to my house

1.floor length side by side urinals
2.computer from startrek to tell me everthing
3.time warp so that no time passes outside when i'm inside
4.my own rockwall

4 beers and people i would drink them with

1. Ziegen Bock-the green girl from the C.S Lewis book Perelandra
2. Dos Equis Amber-Kate Beckinsale
3. Shiner Bock-Job from the book of Job
4. Kegs of all three-all the guys who expected their names to be on this list

4 things that should have been lists

1. top 4 dream jobs
2. top 4 things to do with 4 legal pardons
3. top 4 country's to own
4. top four reasons why texas should become it's own country

4 tags

i don't really know many other people with blogs so if you want to go ahead and get crazy with it, but let me know so i can look

Hey guys...its a...poem

Alright, now everyone has permission to poke fun, as long as your honest, I usually don't write poems and I would definitely never think to publish it. But the very idea of publishing a poem that I had written made me scared, and I hate being dictated be fear. I'll be a little embarrassed if it sucks, but at least I didn't not do it our of fear.

I’ve been walking for years now

Down streets of pious contention

The stress is killing my spitits

I can’t seem to nail down the truth

These streets are violent and jaded

Neath rivers with currents of cups

That shine on the edges on midnight lamps

Then taint and dry all their contents up

I will retreat to the city walls

It’s this city’s first line of defense

Against the advances of wild kingdom

And all that doesn’t make sense

Or stand in line with the doctrine

That’s as varied as the cobble stone streets

They keep us safe from each other

And from the dangers of walking alone

I had been sitting up so high then

Trying to stand on my own

Moving as the wind would please

I started to rattle the stones

All the rulers of city

Then Gathered in force at the wall

They found me shaking with pleasure

It was then that I started to fall

I’ve been walking now for hours

On the wrong side of the city wall

I fell from one of the towers

How I fell I just won’t recall

Out here the wind blows harder

And the elements have taken hold

But I feel no need for shelter

I somehow know that I’m at home

This man he came and woke me

With whispers and gentle hands

He teaches to live in the wilderness

He teaches to conquer the lands

I’ve been walking for years now

Outside those city walls

We wait at the gates every morning

Looking for those who don’t need the fall

In the evening we search the wilderness

For those who are lost we sing and call

Of the attraction, and peace, and tenderness

Of the man who dragged me down off the wall

Sometimes he walks the walls with me

We poke fun at the absurdity

But all the while we’er yearning

For just one more who would fall free

My Wisdom is Gone, But My Face is Fine

For all you how were concerned the operation went better than expected. There were a few plusses going into the operation. Firts of all they oral surgeons were not going to have to slice my jaw open and chop up my teeth into little pieces just to get them out. Secondly I had the great privelage of having my first IV.

I went in at 10:30 in the AM. By 10:40 I was prepped and being guided into the operating room. I was rather surprised though at how many nurses there were. I followed one nurse into the operatin room, and then nine nurses followed me in. I was going to make some silly remark about how the ladies always follow, but I thought why upset the people who are going to have me strapped in a chair and unconcious for as long as they please, and with drills and stuff. So I hopped in the chair...they took the blood pressure, which was shockingly low...then the surgeon came in, also a lady, and got the IV ready. The last coherent memory I have is of one nurse hitting my left arm while the surgeon put the IV in. I looked at the nurse quizzicaly and she said "this is to distract you". Of course then I looked over just in time to see the IV go in. Needles don't bother me so I didn't care. Me last thoughts though were "i wonder if that hitting the other arm thing works on people with IQ's higher than 50. I doubt it would even work on my dog. Hmmm, wonder what the IV's gonna feel like when it starts to kick in".

Then I woke up at home. My mom was waking me to take my first dose of hydro-whatever. I was shocked and awed. Between passin out and waking at home I vaguely remember the nurses telling me that they were lifting my feet up for the wheel chair foot rests, why they were telling I don't know, maybe I asked. I also remember hearing them talk to to my mom as they put me in the car. What I remember most clearly is responding to some question from my mom with "it was so great, better than expected". Then I woke up at home. Those three memories weren't even real memories. I could only hear and feel certain things, couldn't see a thing.

In short the IV was wonderful, I didn't even get groggy. Next thing I know I'm at home sippin on gatorade and knocking back some hydro-whatevers. My jaw didn't even hurt post-op. They ached a little when I stopped poppin pain killers, but even now they already have that itchy-achey-jaw feeling that almost feels good.

Getting my wisdoms pulled this time (uppers) was worlds better than last time (lowers). I'm out $250 for the whole thing, but i'd pay that much for the IV alone. I applaude the entire staff involved, all of them, how ever many there were. I do wish I had had a friend there to film the whole thing, I think the film would have been really funny. I especially wish I had footage of the transfer from table to wheel chair. Maybe that's why there were so many nurses. I bet one of them copped a feel.

Anyway that's my story. Give a shout out to my friends abroad. Tim-ee-oh-ho! Wookie! and Nando! Peace brother travel safely.

my own funeral

Following my good friend mark's example I will now lay out my own funeral plans.

most important is that I want my body to be strapped to a giant cross shaped rocket. The cross shaped rocket, or the SSS Felix (Solar Sword of Salvation), will by lined with billion candle strobe lights. Within a week after I pass I will be strapped to the SSS Felix and shot into space. Not too far into space, just far enough to stay in orbit for a couple generations of Felix's. Also close enough so that after a couple generations the earth's gravity sucks me back in and I finally go out as a meteor.

This way I can orbit the earth a giant blinking cross. My relatives can just tell the young kids "see grandpa's not dead his on a mission trip to final frontier". I may even get some sort of crazy adventist psycho hippies to predict Armageddon according to my re-entry date.

If I have any money left it's to go into a fund to create brewing company that brews great beer and prints gospel tracts on all of it's labels.

that's all I come up with so far, but I think I have plenty more time to think on it. hope everyone caught the sarcasm.

Regurgitating Mummies

As much as I love this country, I think I may realized one of it's many faults tonight and it makes me sad. The discovery first began while reading someone's blog about their ADHD nephew and the ensuing prose about unfit parents. Then, earlier tonight I was playing poker with some pagans I recently met. Two of them took a smoke break, leaving me with one I shall refer to as Cobb. Not his real name of course, I didn't receive permission to publish the intimates of our brief discussion, so the least I can do is not put is name on anything I say.

Cobb had mentioned earlier in the game the reasoning behind him smoking weed. He said it slows his mind down to a speed that is productive. He said "my brain just moves to fast and I can't focus". He thought this a fault of his and something that needed to be fixed. I think the fault lies in the hands of our society as a whole.

So during the smoke break, while the two of us were alone, I, being intrigued earlier, probed a little further. He told me that he started smoking in high school mainly out of boredom. He hated school because it was too slow and the only way to stay focused was to smoke weed. He explained that after a smoke he had the focus to read what he needed to. He explained that his main distraction was all the questions he had. Always questions swarming around in his head, one always leading to another. One answer always leading to yet more questions. Yet he needed to push those interests aside to make room for school work. I asked why he didn't just ask the questions. He responded that he came from "small town Texas", and all those questions would have gotten him in trouble. Never found out the specifics of the questions so I can't say one way or the other.

So then I asked what is it that you think about. He said "mainly life, and people. I love to watch people and think about why they do what they do. Sitting and watching people is my favorite. I watch people and laugh all day long." My first thought was "wow that's what I think about". We then agreed that we made ourselves laugh much more than another people ever have. I realized our brains were very similar.

So changing once again I asked "so how do you do in college? Do you think you'd do better without smoking weed now that your not at your slow high school?" He said he didn't think so, but there was no way to be sure because he hadn't really tried it. By this time I made some conclusive assumptions. The guy was pretty intelligent. Besides for making good grades he showed a great capacity to think things through in a logical sense. He also showed a capacity to take one lesson or idea and use it to learn about other things.

Then I thought about all the really smart people I knew. Smart in as many ways as I could think of. Mainly some kind mental prowess that gave them an upper hand in some area of life. Most of them did drugs and complained of things moving too slow and being bored with education. Despite all the intelligentsia that came to mind I thought "maybe they all have wrong". I think this society is moving too fast.

Cobb complained of having no time to follow his own thoughts. Even on topics brought up at school, they were always giving the surface info and then moving on. There is no time for people with the capacity to think on a greater number of levels than the average person to really explore those depths. Everything about the majority of our culture is about quick flashing attractions that don't give you enough time to think things through. What are video games and most television program but quick bursts of color, sound, and movement laced with tiny bits of information someone is hoping will entertain in order to get a buck. The idea of more has impressed itself on our society with greater weight than the idea of better. Most companies succeed on service speed or things that allow us more time in the day to do more things. Consider this, I can't say hi to most people on campus because they're plugged into an i-pod. It's not good enough just to walk somewhere. It's more productive to listen to music and walk somewhere. Cell phones are the same way. Cell phones combined with i-pods. No lie the other day I received from me deceased grandfather an TV-Radio-CD-MP3 player with a compass, thermometer, and flashlight all in one.

I think our society is moving too fast for the slow, methodical, birth of ingenuity. Before we had all these entertaining distractions America led the way in innovation. Now we're viewed as the lazy rich slobs of the world, and so we are. Regurgitating Mummies hypnotised by flashing lights are clever commercial ditties are the target market for every interest: education, entertainment, art, business.

STARBUCKS!!! Somehow I know starbucks is involved here but its to light and I've been typing too long to put in the effort.

I do a trend though. How many of our greatest artists have led depressing suicidal lives? Why do so many of our greatest minds end up in the drink or narcotics? To slow things down, to rest. I didn't get to speak at all about the Lord in this but there is definitely a lot there. There's much of my thought left out in this, but then again I'm not heavily trained in retaining my thoughts for any long length of time. If I don't regurgitate them soon enough they start to fade. OH NO!!! THEY GOT ME!!! They got me. they got...

ps-i'm not meaning to identify myself as a genius

not sure bout this one

My holidays have been pretty good so far. I had a lovely day with my mom’s side of the family in Houston on Christmas Eve. Then I went to Austin to stay with my dad’s side of the family for Christmas Day. Both were good times. I got some money and loved being around my family.

I went to church service on Christmas Eve with my dad. I hadn’t been in so long I was a little overwhelmed. Of course all of the usual red flags exploded in my head when I saw all the advertising and programming and the…all the other stuff that bugs me about church. But mostly I was thankful to be sitting next to my dad and praising the Lord. That is such a rare occasion for me, and I loved it. Also, during the song “O, Come Let Us Adore Him” the Lord showed up and just smiled at us. I think all the heavens were looking to. There was a line in the song that commanded the heavens to praise him. The heavens noticed, and I was thankful.

Now I’m back, and just working. I work with the same guy everyday, Eric. He’s a cool guy. I enjoy his company and my job so no complaints there. Today we both fell asleep behind the climbing wall desk.

I also had an old friend contact me. I very much hope to see her, but don’t know if it will happen…

Alright, I’m a little frustrated right now because I feel like the Lord isn’t doing anything. But, what should I expect? I don’t know, but I have this evil, perverted work ethic that leaves me feeling worthless in the times when I’m not doing much. I keep reminding myself that the Lord loves me even when doing nothing. I guess I still have some wrong views about the Lord’s love. Unconditional does not match the description I seem to hold of the Lord’s love.

I wish that computers had a shouting function, so that when people read what I write they’ll know when I was shouting at my own computer as I typed, like in paragraph 5.

I’ll leave with this, I had a great Christmas and hope everyone else did too.

Anthropomorphic Kong

I just saw King Kong. Let me first say, “Wow”, what a movie going experience. It’s definitely a movie worth seeing in the theatre. The visual and sound effects are top-notch first-rate stunning. The movie was also a great deal more emotionally charged than the other two. While I’ve only seen the original, I can only imagine the one from the seventies being…shall I say…not as good. Anyone may correct me if I’m wrong.

What struck me though about the movie was how much humanity Kong had in him. First of all his relationship with the woman, Ann, was very much like what mogely, from the jungle book, had with Kate. The recognition of beauty was only the shallowest trait. Kong showed grace, sense of humor, compassion, favor, love, and a great deal of cognitive reasoning.

Then I think the Lord started unfolding some stuff for me right there on the silver screen. I started thinking of all the other lovable movie characters that we love so much: Old Yeller, Seabisquit, Lassie, Milo and Otis, all of the pixar animals, the Shrek animals, and all of the lovable horses that cowboys always have. I thought of this and how much we cry when any harm should come to these animals. We also seem to excuse any harm they should do to humans throughout the movie. WHY IS THAT!!

Well stick with me.

During creation God made humans and then there was everything else. There was a distinct difference between us and them. We were made in God’s image, and He gave us dominion over all of the earth. I’ve always wondered what it means to be “made” and then to be “made in God’s image”. We obviously have something animals don’t. Some would say that animals don’t have a soul, which inadvertently leads some to believe that animals aren’t saved by Jesus. I think animals do have souls and they still aren’t saved by Jesus. I don’t think animals go to hell though.

Animals I think have souls, maybe not to the same capacity as humans albeit but souls none the less. I do not recall animals ever being breathed on by the Lord, as Man was, in the beginning. I think we may have gotten something a little extra in that breathing on stuff, specifically we got the image of God. Therein lies the difference and why Jesus does not save animals. Jesus cleansed our spirits, breathed new life into our dead spirits. Animals were never breathed on in the first place.

I think animals have a soul because I’ve seen the affects of a soul in animals I’ve known. They show the capacity for fear, love, mercy, grace, confidence, shame, some cognition, worry, depression, excitement, a will of their own, and care. All of these come from our souls I think. By soul I mean mind, heart, and will.

So Kong had a soul, but what makes him more than an animal? Well he should a sense of humor for one thing, and while animals may enjoy something that is different than having a sense of humor. Kong also showed an immediate change in behavior towards humans, by suddenly caring for the girl uncharacteristic of wild animals. He also enjoyed a sunset and showed a sense of sentimentallity.

So what makes us yearn for the well being of these cinematic animals and excuse any amount of killing? When the directors and producers of Kong, and every other Hollywood animal character, apply that extra humanity to animals I believe we get some kind of glimpse of the way we were in the garden. You start to see a mix of the soul and that extra image of God stuff without the fall of man. These characters are seen in the light of absolute innocence, almost like a child but with out the selfish conceit that we all see in every child. That part of children which is selfish and conceited is the seed of the sin that is born in us, which is absolutely nonexistent in Kong. Kong shows absolute selflessness and abandon when he starts to protect Ann. That innocence is also why we excuse all of Kong’s killings. Even when Kong was killing innocent people in New York, we were all still rooting for Kong. After all, what human isn’t guilty?

Here’s what strikes me as ironic.

Why don’t we feel this ways towards the Lord? Well the Lord kills people every day, and he promised us that He works everything for the good of those who love God right. Well Kong worked everything for the good of her who loved him, who he loved first. All of Kong’s destruction and killing was aimed at one thing, saving Ann. So is God’s towards us, so why do we sometimes question Him and scoff at the “world we live in”.

Basically we sometimes feel like we’re being thrown aside by Kong because we’re not the one He loves, or maybe He doesn’t see that we love him. Really we are just being thrown around as the Lord works for us, much like Ann was when Kong battled…everyone.

Also by cheering for the animals on screen we are rooting, in a strange sense, against ourselves. It’s always the faults of humanity that we find our beloved animal characters fighting against.

I’m not sure what else to say, I hope there are comments.

inspiration

being really bored for the holidays, i'm desperate for inspiration. so far i have found one inspiring nugget of prose, it's bout hoiday brews. I've never really experimented with holiday brews but it is the holidays and i am bored. i will assure you though that i will not mix my previous boredom antidote, self inflicted haircuts, and my new inspiration. usually there is always some sort of accompanying action to one's boredom induced reliefs though, so...i will also try to exercise deep consideration of my actions as well as holiday brew tasting. although i must say, being inspired to the brew and participating in the fruits of the brew often brews inspiration itself. let us hope for the best.

hello there world

the american church

so the past week i've run into many, many allusions to the changing church, or the the revolution of the church. I don't get it. To me the "church" as many people see it around here is strictly an american phenomina. The american church reflects our society with such a scary resemblance we may want to question the spiritual mail man who often drops things in my mail box from the many chuches i've visited. I must admit that the "wooing" has recently stopped. My "ministry" young life, not too long ago, deministered me, and the "churches" no longer receive my business.

But the "church" often pursued me the same way american eagle did when i filled out their visitor card. Express, Fox and Hound, REI, and Chase bank of america often do the same thing too. The flyers I received were basiclly advertisements for the services, musical guests, clubs, and guest speakers that were scheduled to come. The flyers were brightly colored and often had news paper style headlines. What was even scarrier was how much the youth group sections looked like MTV and VH1 commercials. The actual youth groups looked much like MTV's TRL hour with Carson Daily. The kids sit around and cheer for a colorful personality who often introduced musical guests. TRL at least gets the kids to sing along which is more than can be said than some of the youth groups i've seen.
Young LIfe meetings often looked like a MTV episode themselves: quick changing programs targeted at entertaining and keeping attention long enough to slip in some subliminal messaging (the gospel). Strange thing is that the church stole the ministries marketing strategy so now only hip youth groups kids started going to young life. Young Life has always said "hey we're not the church". The irony is that by young life screaming we're not the church, they became what church is. Many churches now don'e look like churches and they're proud of it.

Now the big craze is that we need to look even less like the "church". Maybe this is the actual body shedding some of the vintage clothes that we've dressed it in and trying to get some healthy nakedness so it can take a good look at itself. Or maybe its just a clever marketing strategy following siute behind some of the newer companies in america. To market successfully no one must know that you're marketing right?

Further evidence, I think, is the reception of the american church by the rest of the world. Many missionaries abroad, supposedly, have a hard time because those foreign pagans just don't get excited about home groups. They think it's too american. I'd say we're in trouble if what others see the "church" so much of america attends as so american that they throw it in the same pile with all the other "american crap" they don't want infesting their own cultures. I don't know maybe i'm off. It should be noted that this was written late at night and with a stream of thought styling. hope however reads is provoked.

hey buuuuuuuuddy

hey man,

just wanted to let you know that you are still greatly loved here and missed. I really hope you're still writing music, i miss your songs. really want to know how things are going, and how the heck you're managing to teach koreans english. so respond.

felix

To Justin: Wookie Abroad

Hey man just wanted to let you know that i appreciate your comment and look forward to seeing again (whenever that may be), but you didn't leave and e-mail address that I could reach you at. To give you an update David Drennon, Cameron, and one other leader got kicked out by JP for drinking at Drennon's house. I got to talk to Drennon, he's kinda pissed, but i think he is going to come to bible study on wednesday so maybe some great things are in store for him. Also, Shaun is still kinda of upset at you for just leaving, he's short a NINTH groomsman now and as you may well be able to guess he's having trouble finding a ninth, some sympathy his way may be appreciated.

Anyway, I love you man and hope you are doing well. Can't wait to hear from you again, send pictures if you can. Oh yeah and send contact information, the dorm guys wanted to be able to get ahold of you if they travel back to Korea while you are still there. . . How is teaching english going?
Peace, Love, and Blessings!!!!

Felix

The Senses

Readers will have to forgive the incomplete and sporadic nature of this post.

What is it that includes any entity into the realm of the existing, or the realm of “thing”. Certainly trees, buildings, and people are all things. We can see, feel, smell, hear, and taste them. But what of entities like love and hate, or angels and spirits. Do they exist? Some would say that they exist on different plains of reality. I don’t think so. Many would debate the existence of things that our five senses can not register. Existentialism seem to be the focus of many of these beliefs. Some would say that God being cognitively aware of all of His creation all the time would suffice to support the idea that we all exist. What of the things we can’t see. Certainly He is cognitive of things we can not sense. I think there has been a lack of attention placed on the fact that we can not see everything that exists. Or hear, touch, taste, or feel them either.

Astronomy says that the human eye can only see what reflects the light waves that are within the range of human eye site; red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet. Likewise with hearing, smelling and tasting there is a spectrum of all of these senses but we only register certain portions of the spectrum. What of touch though? Does the sense of touch work on a spectrum as well? We can feel wind but we can’t see it. We can feel heat and cold, but we can’t smell, see, hear, or taste it. Likewise we can’t feel most of the things we smell or hear. I would say that the ranges that our senses operate within are positioned differently along the continuum of existing entities as a grand part of the Lord’s design.

Imagine if all of the ranges that our senses operate on coincided with each other. What if everything we could feel we could also smell, taste, hear and see. What would the wind look like? What color would it be? Would love exist as something we could register with all five senses? What would blue or green smell and taste like? Then of course we may wonder about that elusive sixth sense that I often equate with the spiritual.

I think that when we believe and say that all will be revealed when we get to heaven is a much grander idea than people realize. Many people say they will be bathed in love once in heaven. They often only mean it as an emotional feeling that will be consistently felt. But what if love has a state of matter that we will only be able to register on all levels of out senses once we attain our heavenly bodies? Is that what is so great about our heavenly bodies. And maybe our heavenly bodies operate on a much grander scale than just five senses. Perhaps a person isn’t just something we can feel, taste, smell, hear and see, but something we can experience on much greater level. When we get to heaven we will really be able to not only bathe in love, but eat it too.

Surely all of nature was not created with the same functions of the senses. I wonder what animals can hear and see and smell that we can’t. In heaven, if all is revealed we’ll know what angels look, smell, taste, sound, and feel like. I think we may also be able to register the father’s love for us as well on a much grander scale.

Resting

I've had to rest for almost the entire summer. It's been really hard. First I had to learn what it meant to rest. I thought it meant working only fifteen hours a week and only commiting ten or so hours a week to ministry. The Lord soon corrected me. He gave me a glimpse of rest over christmas, and I really freaked out. Then in the spring He began to prepare me to rest for the summer. He removed me, forcefully, from the "ministry" I was involved in and took my job from me. As much as I've tried I have not been able to get a job since then. Every time I applied somewhere I left with this overwhelming feeling of, "Well that was pointless, He's not gonna let me work anyway."

So I've been resting. I've almost lost my mind a few times in the process. I really had no idea how against the idea of resting my body and soul were. For a while I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, and had no desire to be around my friends. My not sleeping wasn't just because i wasn't tired. My room would become too hot and stuffy even though the rest of the house felt nice. On the night that I nearly lost my sanity I became incredibly terrified of the dark too, or something else that was in the dark, I'm not sure. I became so scared that I had to leave my room and sit in the dining room for a while with the lights on. While in the dining room I became uncomfortably chilled, and my mind was so scared and going so fast I couldn't stop it. For a few minutes I thought I had lost control of my own mind. So after journalling for a while i went and laid under the covers in my bed. There I began to pray. The Lord responded to "Daddy, Abba..." Then peace came and i slept.

The whole summer though my spirit was being ministered to. A man told me once that the Lord wanted me to learn the song "In the Garden" because the Lord wanted to minister to me through the song. So in the midst of going crazy I learned the song and it ministered to me greatly. Even just through listening to the song the Spirit would bring me peace.

Even now I'm surprised how hard it is for me to rest and be silent with the Lord. I think it's just the culture, but man culture can fight.

The Shave

So, about a week ago I was by myself for about five whole days. I’ll tell you what I did.

First of all I shaved my head. . .

I found myself looking at myself in the mirror, challenging like, at around two thirty in the morning. As I stared into my own eyes I thought to myself, “You wouldn’t, you’re too chicken.” Then I said out loud and defiantly, though not too loud in fear of waking my mother in the next room, “I will to! I just don’t know if I want to, that’s all.”

You have to understand I have quite the large head, and hair that sometimes resembles thinness but is more accurately fine. To better understand think of the hairs themselves as thin and not the body of hair. So I stood there staring into my own beautiful brown eyes with a grimace, intermittently shifting my gaze between my shaggy hairline and the sideburn trimmer that lie still next to the sink like a stalking cat ready to pounce. “Don’t take your eyes off that guy,” I thought, “he could attack at any moment. I then laughed at myself and said, out loud again, “You’re not going to actually do it, just go to bed”.

Then as I turned away, just a breath away from turning out he light, I caught a glimpse of something in the mirror. “Was that Mr. Challenge laughing at me?” It was, and standing next to him was his naughty mistress Ms Sense of Adventure. Then from behind the toilet my pride made his entrance. Upon his unimpressive entrance Ms Sense of Adventure turned to him and with a smirk muttered, “I thought he was taller than that." They both erupted into laughter that echoed across the now over populated bathroom.

Feeling ashamed I jumped back in front of the mirror and gave a long hard look at myself. Thoughts flooded my head, “How can I respect myself if I can’t even shave my own head? I mean what do I care? So I may look incredibly funny, but people will still like me, right?” Then out of the recesses of my mind, a phantom childhood memory emerged in my cognitive kitchen and served up a previously un-thought of memory. My mother’s grad school friends used to refer to me as baseball head when I was little. My head has been the same size since I was born. "Was it still to big for my body?"

The snooty couple behind me let fly and evil guffaw of triumph, “Muwahahahaha!!!!” Mr. Pride took a deflated seat on the John. I stared deeper into my beautiful brown eyes…

“I’ll do it!! That’s right assholes I’ll do it!! I’m not afraid to look like an idiot!!!” Mr. Pride stood up with a cheer of resounding triumph and achievement.

The sideburn trimmer, with impeccable timing and cunning agility pounced. I found myself, in defiance…or what now looked like submission…to the snooty Mr. and Ms, kneeling down in my shower naked, to avoid the hairs in the collar of my shirt, letting the side burn trimmer do its worst, and it did.

After a half hour of effort the once deadly looking side burn trimmer had only found defeat roaming the vast wild expanse of the finely vegetated, brown eyed dome resting atop a superbly etched masculine neck. The outskirts of the wilderness that is my head of hair were chopped to bits but the heart of the jungle was left pretty much unscathed, “SHIT!! Now what do I do?”

I had successfully butchered the front, sides, and back of my head. The top however, the filet mignon of my once professionally cultivated head of hair, was left standing a defiant six inches long. I had come to a point where defeat and humiliation were staring me in the face, pointing and laughing. The bathroom at this point was pretty crowded with personified character traits. I had to get out of there. Upon leaving the bathroom I ran headlong into hope. It was so simple, what place welcomes all bored down trodden lonely people at all hours of the nights offering low cost solutions to all of the world’s major problems? WAL MART.

The trip was short and the hair clippers inexpensive. I arrived back to the now less populated bathroom and gave myself a fine shave with an eight guard in the presence of Mr. Confidence and Ms Resourcefulness. Pride at this point had left my house, I think he got sick.

I woke the next morning with an uneven but surprisingly good look. My mother made a few adjustments to the back and I was good to go. I have to say I don’t think I look half bad. So in your face Mr. Challenge and Ms. Sense of Adventure you got nothing on this.

Hot or Not?

I shaved my head at the beginning of my five lonesome days, but don’t worry the adventure’s didn’t stop. I left the house after my mother doctored my hair with a great sense of being alive. I had no places to be and no people to see, but I did have a lunch date with Mr. Challenge and Ms Sense of Adventure.

We met at Blue Baker and like usual I sat and studied the Major League Baseball web site while they sat annoyingly close to me. While reveling in the depths of the greatest American institution I caught the faintest whisper of an extraordinary idea. I’m not sure if the Ms or Mr. suggested it, but it was a dandy of an idea.

You see, a few months before my lovely friend Fernando had introduced me to a site where people post pictures of themselves and let other people rate their “hotness”, it was cleverly titled hotornot.com. We spent many an entertained hour on the site looking at some incredible pictures. When I say incredible, I’m describing the feeling one gets after seeing someone trip and fall face first down a flight of stares. Then, a few weeks after that, I was at a former place of employment visiting with my friend Josh Harrison. Somehow the site got brought up and he thought that he may know someone who had posted their picture. I quickly looked up the site, but you had to be a member to do searches. So very cleverly, and in the spirit of hoping to make fun of someone else, I posted my picture. His friend wasn’t on there.

Well I’m sitting at blue baker and the idea sneaks up on me. I heard it plain as day in my right ear, “hey you should become a member and see what kind of responses you can get, see what your rating is. You know have fun with it.”

The idea, and excitement, quickly grew on me. Looking back I should have more closely considered the company I was keeping (Mr. Challenge and Ms Sense of Adventure), and just who it was that was feeding me these ideas. Instead I found a cozy corner at blue baker, shelled out $5.95 and became a star member of hotornot.com. Let me list some of my star member privileges: I can keep track of my public rating, get notices of double matches, send e-mails to double matches, and meet as many people as I wanted.

Let me explain the lovely dance that is hotornot.com. First of all you don’t have to be publicly rated, you can just meet people if you want. Also the site is pretty clean, no naked pics. When a user clicks on the meet other people tab of the user menu three things pop up: a picture of someone, their keywords, and a short message. The keywords are usually interests, favorites, and characteristics. Now if the picture, keywords, and personal message interest you, you just click the “yes I would like to meet this person” tab. If you do click yes on that special someone they then receive an exciting message in their e-mail that says “someone from hotornot wants to meet you!” When they open the message your own picture, keywords, and personal message appear. If they approve they click the yes tab and you are then put in each others' double matches folder. This process also works the other way too, if someone likes your bio they click on you and then you get the message in you e-mail and have the option of clicking the yes tab for them. Once double match status is established you may then send messages to each other.

Another great feature the site offers is the search feature. You can do a search based on sex, sexual preference, location, age, and keywords. So, if you happen to be interested in a twenty two year old straight female teacher from the Dallas/Fort Worth Metroplex who likes fishing, family guy, baseball, and also professes the Christian faith, you could look it up and you’d meet Alexia, she’s one of my double matches.

So I dove right in as soon as I was a member I spent hours doing searches and clicking on people, some were yes and some were no. Sometimes I clicked a yes just to be crazy sometimes I clicked yes hundreds of times just to be annoying to some really stuck up people. Well I had my fun and went home.

When I woke up the next morning I was excited to go check my e-mail and see what kind of responses I got. Got a lot of cowgirls. The picture I posted was a little misleading. I was wearing a cowboy hat and boots and also had my dog in the picture; in short I looked like a country boy. Not only were they cowgirls, but they were…well…horny. One response started off with, “hey your pretty sexy in that cowboy hat!....I hope we can meet soon…I like your dog…see you later sexy xxx.” I don’t think so. While curiosity did have his time on the floor he was unanimously voted down by the rest of the house. Besides for the horny cowgirls I also got a message from a girl in Scotland, Scandinavia, Ohio, Dallas, and New York. I was excited, but then confused. What do I do? What do I say? I’m not interested in dating any of these girls. So I did what I normally do with strangers, I said hello. Through this simple little written verbal message I am now an international friend to some very attractive ladies. Talking to someone across town on IM never really interested me, but Scotland or Scandinavia is completely different.

Since that first confusing and very interesting morning I’ve gotten quite a few hotornot e-mails, and honestly they make me smile, some make me cringe, bust most make me smile. It’s kinda like steroids for your self confidence, and yeah it is a little sleazy, so.

I’ve noticed a few things about the site. First of all, most of the people who are still in college and on the site are just looking for some hot sex with random people or interesting conversation with people from far off lands. People out of college usually seem either desperate or genuinely interested in conversation, relationships, sex, or for relationships. There are lots of school teachers and military people as well…just something I noticed. And, of course some people just want to know if other people think that they’re as hot as they think themselves. Oh, and some of them are obviously cheap shots at people who someone is really mad at. These are pretty obvious when you come across them. They have awful pictures and often have key words like gassy, no bathing, hairy butt (for girls, not so outrageous for guys), and smells sour.

In my opinion it’s no different than face book, or even hitting the bar in some ways. At least at your computer you’ll be sober and don’t have to worry too much about making conversation, just look at the keywords list. For me, it was lots of fun, I did let all the people I talked to know that I didn’t want a relationship, which was a little akward, but necessary.

The only thing I wonder about now is what I will say if one day, walking down the street, or heaven forbid in a crowded restaurant, someone stops me and says “hey I’ve seen you on hotornot!” I think I’ll probably turn a little red and laugh. What do I care? Everyone’s got stuff they can be made fun of for, and this definitely isn’t the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done. Besides I think I’ve made fun of enough people over my life that I can take a little coming back at me.